Presidential candidate Jeb Bush claims he is ‘completely unrelated’ to the Bush Family, and is thus electable
MIAMI, FL – Jeb Bush claimed at a news conference today that he is not, in fact, related to Presidents Bush I and II, adding that he was actually born in Kenya “just like the current occupant of the White House.”
Among the reasons he cited for now “coming out” is the case of Rachel Dolezal, a white NAACP officer who claims to be Black.
“Jeb!” as he prefers to call himself — or, in Spanish, “¡Jeb!” – claims that he too is really an African, “or mostly so.” He says he was adopted by the Bushes in the early nineteen-fifties when they were touring East Africa.
Jeb Bush said he is trying to retrieve his birth certificate, but the Nairobi hospital where he was born turns out to be “still woefully third world. Maybe Donald Trump can help me.”
Legally distancing himself from two extremely unpopular former presidents, Jeb! said, “is a necessary step on my safari — as we Kenyans say — to the White House.”
Jeb Bush perceptively continued: “Listen, if I don’t ditch both those losers fast, people are going to start thinking I’ll raise new taxes whatever promises I make to get elected, and may even involve the US in a new middle-eastern war just to gratify the arms industry.”
“Eh?” He cupped his ear as a defense lobbyist called out from the rear of the room.
“Of course!” Jeb! exclaimed. “As for my last remarks, folks, I’ve reconsidered them. A shooting war with Iran and no new taxes are actually very attractive policy options. I’ll get back to you about them after the election.”
Jeb! said that while it was true that he had grown up in the Bush household, his situation had been “more like Harry Potter’s than Christopher Robin’s.” Like the boy wizard, he’d been forced to sleep under the stairs, and “Curious George,” as he called Dubya on account of his big ears and chimp-like intelligence, would regularly bully him and get him into trouble with H.W.
“People forget Pappy was once head of the CIA,” said candidate Jeb Bush. “He regularly water-boarded me and I was routinelyhung by the wrists in the basement. I identified with Cinderella and often cried myself to sleep hanging there.”
Jeb! admitted that he didn’t know who his real mother was since the Bushes had impulsively purchased him in 1953. His father was a Watutsi tribesman who sold him as a curiosity to the Bushes because of his embarrassingly pale skin. The Watutsi are genetically extremely tall, explaining Jeb’s unusual height.
“Anyone can see that Dubya and I are not related,” he said. “He is short and stupid and I am tall. It’s true that H.W. is almost as big as me, but then he’s a lot older.”
Jeb! repeated several times that he was not one of the elitist Bushes who went to Yale, but a working-class “doringbos,’ a thorny hedge plant from the African savannah, who had studied at UT Austin.
“I never had George’s chances,” he said bitterly, “so you may not notice my thorns immediately. But once I’m president you’ll see them. Some might even turn out to be nuclear bombs detonated over Tehran and ISIS.”
“However,” he wound up, “my point is this, as my extremely Hispanic wife would say, ‘más vale pájaro en mano que ciento volando.’ This translates roughly as ‘the bird in my hand is worth those two damn Bushes and their damn reputations.’ And frankly, I’m sick and tired of them calling one another 41 and 43.”
The former Florida governor finished with a direct appeal to the majority of Americans.
“Recuerde, mis amigos,” he said in impeccable Spanish, “yo no soy un arbusto, ha ha. Así que votar a menudo y principios!”