[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Orangutan Father of Donald Trump in ‘Total Despair’ after NY Primary

“I can’t believe you idiots actually voted for that hairless baboon,” hand-signaled Kiki, the orangutan identified as the biological father of Donald Trump.

BRONX, NY — Kiki, the Bronx Zoo orangutan identified by TV theologian and horticulturalist Bill Maher as the biological father of Donald Trump, signaled by hand today that he is “in total despair” over his son’s sweeping NY victory.

Donald Trump as a baby Orangutan
Baby Donald Trump whined, pissed and threw turds.

The orangey furry-haired monkey, who still bears a striking resemblance to his disowned son, communicates with his keepers in fluent Chimpanzese, an inter-primate sign language also known as “monkey-speak.”

Kiki went on to signal that he had tried to raise his “semi-simian brat” to be kind, generous and peaceful, “as most of us big apes are,” but that after puberty his ugly human side completely took over.

“Today he’s like a seriously fucked-up Spock,” Kiki snarled. “Half man, half beast. Not even Jane Goodall wants to save him.”

[Ed. note: “Fucked up” is a rough translation of a hand gesture so vulgar it cannot be further described. Apparently orangutans know a thing or two about sex we humans don’t.]

Producing a grubby photo album, Kiki said that at first “the hairless little [hand gesture] closely resembled the puppy-monkey-baby. He whined constantly, pissed all over everything and threw his runny turds at anyone who made him mad.

“So you see, nothing much has changed.”

The “old man of the forest” scratched his flanged cheeks.  “I can’t believe you [hand gestures] voted for that self-inflated little [hand gesture, hand gesture, hand gesture].

“All he really wants is the world’s biggest pile of plantain bananas and a harem of horny Bonobo chicks.”

Why plantain bananas?

“Because he can’t get his tiny hands around the full-sized kind,” Kiki sneered. “And you know what they say about short-fingered orangutans – [hand gesture, hand gesture, hand gesture]!”

Trump’s dad predicted that if “that repulsive little baboon” actually becomes president, it would be like “the dawn of the planet of the apes, only without their kindness, decency and overall good will towards humans.

“Instead in the White House we’ll have King Louie singing ‘Hoo, hoo, hoo, I wanna be like you-hoo-hoo’ surrounded by portraits of Mussolini, Franco and Salazar.”

Kiki added: “[Hand gesture] stopped liking Hitler after it came out that he only had one ball. The little banana is kind of sensitive about that sort of thing.”

Michael Egan

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