[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Bill Maher Says He’ll Give Up Pot If Trump Wins

‘It’s just too sobering a thought,’ says political comic Bill Maher, lighting up, for now.

NEW YORK – Real Time host Bill Maher, an outspoken advocate of pot legalization, said last night that if Donald Trump is elected president he will give up smoking what he called “the divine weed.”

Bill Maher, lighting up
Bill Maher, lighting up, for now.

“Trump in the Oval Office would be like Dr Strangelove, only the mad general wins,” the popular TV satirist said. “Every time I think about it I grow stone-cold sober no matter what I’m smoking.”

He added: “Here, try a hit of this.”

Mr Maher said that he hoped all of America’s “secret pot smokers” would get out and vote against Trump November 8.

“If you value your weed,” he said, exhaling slowly, “and I know you do, you better make sure that lunatic control freak doesn’t get elected. Even just as a nominee he makes my bong boggle.”

“I have no idea what that means,” he added with a giggle.

After a moment, Maher said that he believed there was a “secret anti-Trump vote” in southern states like Texas because people were afraid to publicly admit that they’re beginning to see what a loony Trump really is.

“The hidden anti-Trump vote in this country is a very significant proposition,” he said, momentarily closing his eyes, deep in thought.

“Did you know,” he said at last, “that Kellyanne Conway just admitted Trump performs better in polls where no human beings are involved? She’s actually proud of that, a human being not talking to another human being in an opinion poll. Because they might be ashamed to admit they like Trump.

“Can you believe she actually said that?” he went on. “Their secret polls are based on online surveys where no real people are involved.” Mr Maher laughed so hard he began to cough.

“Doesn’t she know,” he recovered, “that Trump actually buys his own books to give the impression people are reading them? That he hired actors to swell the crowd when he declared his candidacy? Do you think that he or Uday or Qusay or the adoring Ivanka might just hop online one night and boost Daddy’s polls? Nah.”

Maher explained that “it has become socially desirable in red states like Texas to say that you’re gonna vote for Donald Trump. But a lot of people secretly plan to vote against him. A big part of the ant-Trump vote comprised the same white, working-class folk supposedly his bedrock supporters.”

“It’s the same red-blooded American guys and gals who objected to the anti-pornography plank in the GOP platform.” Maher said. “They want their porn and they want their pot to go with it.

“But with The Donald they know it’s the return of Pot Prohibition and they don’t want that. Nobody wants that, apart from the DEA and the pharmaceutical industry.”

Maher ended by describing all the “so-called secret polls” showing that Trump is really winning, as “just smoke and mirrors.”

“Mainly smoke,” he coughed, patting his pockets for a lighter. “Mainly smoke.”