[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Condom Sales Skyrocket Ahead of Third Presidential Debate

Can the mysterious, stiff spike in condom sales be explained by the lewd debate spectacles?

By now, everyone who isn’t holed up under a rock, or hiding out on a deserted island with no phones, no lights, no motorcars (or TVs) has heard about the sexual indiscretions of one Donald “the Donald” Trump. This has led to a somewhat inexplicable spike in condom sales ahead of the third and final debate between Trump and Clinton.

condom sales, debate, electionAmericans will be tuning in not to hear a grown-up discussion about the issues facing our nation today, but instead will be witness to another tawdry he-said, she-said debate on who is the bigger sex fiend, Bill Clinton or Donald Trump.

On one hand, with all that talk about female genitalia and hands up skirts, not to mention romps around the Oval office, one does have to wonder if it is having an effect on the members of the male community, at least those men who are not able to control their members.

On the other hand, it begs the question, “Wouldn’t imagining the Donald having sex with young women actually elicit a gag reflex?”

In the case of the latter, it would seem that only the perverted of the perverted would get his jollies from thinking about this scenario and therefore, if he is that careless about his fantasies, he sure as hell isn’t going to buy a box of condoms ahead of his search for his next unwilling victim.

Which doesn’t explain the spike in condom sales. The only logical conclusion to be had is most men and women of child-bearing age are scared as hell that the stupidity coming out of these elections will somehow have a deleterious effect on future generations. That, plus the fact that they do not want to bring an innocent child into this toxic environment. Cue the dancing condom commercial.

At any rate, the only winners in this insane game of blame, deny, blame some more are the condom companies, and, of course, the stockholders in those companies. When Trump talks about Clinton allowing “the all-time Great Trojan Horse” into the country, we can’t help but wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

P. Beckert