[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars

Cabinet members’ shock collars are reportedly the idea of Steve Bannon

In yet another stunning move toward keeping leaks from reaching the press, the president issued a mandate that all cabinet members be required to wear a shock collar.

Cabinet Members, Spicer“We are tired of reports of rogue employees,” said a White House spokesperson, “but we don’t want to lose what few employees we have left, especially in light of the new hiring freeze.”

“Therefore, effective immediately, the Government Procurement Office has been instructed to purchase (in Trump’s own words) “a really big shipment of shock collars.”

The collars are reportedly the idea of Steve Bannon, who has become so emboldened by his control of the President that he no longer attempts to hide his sadistic and inhumane thoughts. In fact, unreliable sources have reported scenes in the Oval Room that would make the Clinton/Lewinsky rendezvous seem like child’s play. One anonymous tipster claims to have seen an invoice on Bannon’s desk from Fern’s Fetish Emporium.

The collars must be worn at all times so that anything the employees say can be fed into a monitoring program to make sure everyone is not only compliant with the new regulations being signed by Trump on an hourly basis, but also to assure there is no dissension among the group.

While there has been some push-back on the collars from Trump’s more outspoken cabinet members, including Generals Kelly, Mattis and McMaster, other members of the cabinet such as Betsy DeVos and Reince Priebus appear to actually enjoy the collars and are said to go out of their way to buck their leader when they need a spurt of energy after working 16-18 hour days.

However, the collars may be responsible for the drained expressions on the faces of a few of Trump’s closest advisors, including Kellyanne Conway, who now has been trained to say very little when faced with cameras and a microphone.

While this move may seem medieval to most, the new administration believes it will cut down on having to send Sean Spicer out on a daily basis to quash new rumors of alternative truths leaked to the dishonest media. In Spicer’s case, the collars will serve a dual purpose. They will keep him in line while simultaneously treating him for the severe depressive episodes he has been suffering ever since becoming the White House Press Secretary.

When asked if he thinks the shock collars are a good idea, Spicer replied: “Yes, master,” as he adjusted the tension on his own ill-fitting collar.

P. Beckert