God-crazed TV evangelist Pat Robertson announces construction of the First Church of Trump the Messiah, inside Kentucky’s Noah’s Ark facsimile.
WILLIAMSTOWN, KY – Televangelist Pat Robertson announced today that President Donald Trump is in fact “Jesus Christ Himself, come again, as He promised, to bring us all to Rapture and Saviority.”
Robertson noted that just looking at the “Virgin” Melania, Trump Jesus’s companion, had already made him “come again, rapturously.”
“Praise the Lord,” he added. “And please note the air quotes around ‘Virgin.’”
The wild-eyed minister noted that the First Church of Trump Jesus the Messiah would be installed “as soon as possible” inside the new Noah’s Ark museum in Williamstown, KY.
“This should increase the number of visitors quite a bit,” he continued, describing the expected surge as the “Trump Bump.” Services will be conducted every day and twice on Sundays. Red “MAGA” baseball caps will be on sale at a mere $200 each for all worshipers, $500 with an autographed Holy Writ.
“I realized that Christ the Trump was Our Lord’s Second Coming when it became clear that millions blindly believe anything he says, no matter what the actual facts,” Rev. Robertson went on.
He noted among other articles of faith the Trumpists’ acceptance of Donald Christ’s claims of microwave tapping by “the Black Devil of Kenya,” His provision of health care at a fraction of the cost for all those sick of winning, the use of American and not Chinese steel in the North Dakota Access Pipeline, and the restoration of coal miners’ jobs even where there are neither miners nor coal.
“Above all, there’s no connection with Holy Mother Russia, none, nada, zip, nyething there at all,” he said, “and oh yes don’t forget the reduction of America’s unemployment numbers by 40 per cent in just two months. If that ain’t a miracle, what is?”
Pat the Baptist, as he now wishes to be called, wound up by proclaiming Trumpery’s “Not-So Nicean Creed,” to be recited five times daily by the Lord’s true followers:
I believe in Donald Trump, our Christ and Savior,
Conceived by Wikileaks and St Vladimir the Divine,
Born bigly of the Grand Old Party,
Suffered under Barack Obama,
Was Crucified by Hillary,
Buried and Proclaimed Dead by the Rigged Fake News,
Descended in the Polls, Sad!
But in November rose again;
Ascended to the White House with a yuuge popular majority,
Twits at the right hand of Bannon,
Will judge those who believe in Him
And God help those who don’t.
Amen, and a Few Good-looking Women.
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