[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Devil Recruits Trump for President of Satanic Council

“He’s our best chance in millennia to make the world a living hell. And a lot hotter too!” – Mephistopheles, in interview at Devil’s Kingdom studios.

HADES – The current head of the Satanic Council said today that he was willing to step aside so that Donald Trump could immediately take over as President.

devil“The man is so patently evil, none of us can hold a candle to him,” Mephistopheles admitted in an interview with Tucker Carlson conducted at the Devil’s Kingdom studios near the Gates of Hell.

“Besides, he sold his soul to us for a mess of pottage years ago, so the transition should be swift and easy.”

Mephistopheles added that Trump’s recent withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords promised to make the earth hotter than Hell sooner than he and the other Devil’s Cohorts had ever dared to hope.

“We are hastily preparing a giant hand basket for humanity right now,” he said. “What a ride you guys are in for!”

Mephistopheles noted that his offer enjoyed the full support of the other members of the Satanic Council, including Beelzebub, Lucifer, Moloch, Appolyon and even Lord Satan himself, the eternal Prince of Darkness and original founder of the Infernal Regions.

“Donald Trump represents the best opportunity for the Triumph of Evil since the Fall of Man,” the Devil’s Minion noted, rubbing his hands. “As leader of the most powerful and wealthiest country in history, his ability to wreak world havoc exceeds that of Nero, Attila the Hun and even my personal favorite, Herr Hitler.

“Adolf was of course equally evil and morally degenerate, but unfortunately did not possess nuclear weapons and the kind of international financial power Trump has at his command.”

Mephistopheles added: “Nazi Germany of course also lacked the kind of moral authority and great historical traditions the USA brings to the table. Trump’s ability to debase the words ‘Freedom,’ ‘Democracy,’ and ‘Equality’ is unparalleled in world history.”

Satan’s Spawn concluded by noting that the USA had once been described as Mankind’s “last best hope.”

“Indeed it was,” he said, with a particularly evil parting laugh. “But thanks to Donnie Little Hands it’s finally sayonara suckers!”

Mary Lago