Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

White supremacist rally in Virginia

Nothing says ‘White Supremacy’ like Tiki torches made in China.

North Korea threatens to strike US territory of Guam after Trump ‘fire and fury’ warning

Y’know the world has jumped the shark when the only person able to stop a nuclear war is Dennis Rodman.

Kenya Presidential election results coming in

No word if any of the candidates had to prove they weren’t born in Hawaii.

Fox News host sent unsolicited lewd text messages to colleagues, sources say

Soon to be seen on Dickieleaks.

Cannabis company bought a California town

And, then forgot where it was…

Key GOP Senators throw support behind McConnell amid Trump feud

This is like that fable between ‘The Tortoise and The Hair.’

On this day in 1973, Hip Hop was born at a party in the Bronx

Any older and we’re gonna start calling it ‘Broken Hip Hop.’

It’s ‘National Lazy Day’

I’ll get to commenting about that whenever.

Senator Hatch uses term ‘shot their wad,’ clarifies he meant it the Civil War way

In fairness, Hatch was around during Civil War.

Scaramucci to take media break

Damn it, I already miss Scaramucci. I think I’m suffering from ‘Do the Fandango Joke Withdrawal.’

Gay Buffalo Wild Wings server denied tip because she ‘doesn’t love Jesus’

Although, I’m betting she works with a lot of Latin guys with that name.

Peek inside at White House renovation upgrades

Seems it’s mostly pics of Mike Pence measuring for drapes in Oval Office

Happy 80th birthday, Dustin Hoffman

One of the good things about aging is you probably forgot all about ‘Ishtar.’

Usher failed to warn 2 women, 1 man about herpes, lawsuit claims

Seems he’s in violation of several statutes in the penile code.

Trump personally dictated misleading statement on Trump Jr.’s meeting with Russians

In fairness, it sounded OK when Putin dictated it to him.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)