Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/2/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

TV personalities, SpongeBob SquarePants

Trump likes to hire TV personalities for important roles

Yup, if Trump keeps picking people he sees on TV for posts, the next Secretary of the Navy’s going to be ‘SpongeBob SquarePants.’

Walmart removes Cosmopolitan magazine from checkout aisles

…although you can still pick it up in the 3 orgasms or more checkout line.

Laura Ingraham says she’ll take planned vacation amidst controversy

At this point, Laura Ingraham should just hand over her Dartmouth degree to David Hogg  ’cause she’s been totally schooled.

Play Ball! Major League Baseball opens 2018 season

Wondering if Trump’ll show up for a game and throw out a Cabinet Secretary.

Did the Pope really say ‘There’s no hell?’

Well, if he did, he so missed the 405/101 interchange when he was in L.A.

President Trump phones Roseanne Barr after successful ‘Roseanne’ premiere

… and you just knew she was getting more episodes, because he never calls anyone getting fired.

China Warns: Trump opening Pandora’s box

Trump denies knowing any porn star named Pandora.

Ex-Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens: ‘Repeal the Second Amendment’

Dude should know. He was around when it was written.

Trump declares April ‘Sexual Assault Prevention Month’

Kinda like when George Washington declared September ‘Keep Your Teeth with Proper Dental Hygiene Month.‘

Arnold Schwarzenegger says, ‘I’m back,’ listed as stable after heart surgery

Wishing a speedy recovery to Arnold and, thank god, it wasn’t a ‘tuuumor.’

’60 Minutes’: Stormy Daniels says she was threatened and paid off

… gotta say, this is one time a porn star didn’t sound like she was faking it.

The Maryland school shooter was killed by his own bullet, not the school resource officer’s, police say

Tragically, it looks like the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with the same bad guy with a gun.

Toronto ice cream chain ‘Sweet Jesus’ faces criticism from Christians who say the name mocks their religion

… to be make everybody happy maybe they should close down the store but bring it back to life on Easter Sunday.

Trump expels 60 Russian diplomats

Damn, now the White House is really gonna be empty.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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