[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Says Alaska Earthquake Caused by ‘Poor Snow Management, Unlike Finland’

“There’s plenty of  snow in Finland,” Trump explained,  “but they don’t have anything like that Alaska earthquake because they rake it all up and deposit it in snow banks.”

 MAR-A-LAGO FL — President Trump said today that Alaska, still reeling from a 7.9 Richter-scale earthquake, needs  to follow Finland’s example and “rake up all its extra snow” in order to avoid future disasters.

Alaska Earthquake“Not a lot of people know this,” Trump explained, “but Finland and Alaska are both pretty cold countries. However, notice only Alaska gets earthquaked. That’s because the Finns always rake up their extra snow and deposit it in  Snowinki Banka,  or ‘snow banks,’ set along the road sides. Alaska needs to do the same thing or no more help from the Federal government!”

Trump went on: “I was speaking to the prime minister of Finland just the other day. He calls Finland  ‘definitely a snowy country,’ and said they avoid earthquakes and avalanches  by constantly raking up all their extra white stuff so that it doesn’t press down so hard and squeeze the rocks until they quake.

“I know Commie scientists like to talk about High-Tech Tonic Plates and long-hair stuff like that, but believe me, it’s all a hoax invented by the Chinese and funded by George Soros. Luckily I’m too stable a genius to fall for that. My enormous gut, which is always right, tells me that it’s the big snow pressing down.”

The President emphasized that unless Alaska reformed its snow-management policies, the Federal government would refuse to continue paying disaster relief. He added that unfortunately he was unable to visit the Anchorage area because the snow, “which  is very wet from a water point of view,” might affect his hair and bone spurs. Besides, it was a lovely day in Miami and he had a new Number Nine iron that “urgently” needed Presidential attention.

“However, ” Trump encouragingly smiled., “I urge any Alaskan rendered homeless and hungry to have fun anyway and enjoy the snow. It’s not often you get to build a 12-foot snow man endowed with 18-inch snow balls. Not  that miine are any smaller.

“And by the way, ” he wound up, “if any of them people need paper towels, just let us know. The Koch brothers sent us plenty.”

Michael Egan