The Teflon Don Gang lay low in their Senate hideout.
A creepy figure creeps along the side of the long, white stone building, avoiding the lights, embracing the shadows. He was searching for the secret entrance his co-conspirators had informed him of. Finally locating it he carefully, quietly pulled it open. He called softly down the darkened hallway — “Hey, Bitchy Mitchy, are you there?”
“Over here, Master! Over by the second door on the left!” came a weaselly voice.
The heavy set figure found his way over to the door where stood his servant — ‘Bitchy Mitchy’ McConnell, also know as ‘Soft Shell’ McConnell by those who knew him well.
“Hey, thanks to youse guys for helping me out on this, Mitchy! Them Dem boys are getting rougher than I ever thought they would. When I was a Democrat we… er… they was always a bunch of dish rags.”
“Well, as we used to say in Kentucky, Boss — never under estimate an enemy. You never know what they got to stick you with! I found that wisdom always helped me in my political career. Also being as slick as the oil that keeps us in cash!” said the equally shady character wearing a pin stripe suit and hat reminiscent of Peter Lorre in one of his less popular movies. “What has happened, Lord?”
The mysterious figure who looked like a grade B actor from a bad 1930’s gangster film removed his cloak revealing himself to be ‘Teflon Don’ Trump, the so-called President of the United States. He always had a lot of bluff and bluster, enough to use his dad’s millions to make billions. And his brazen personality got him into and out of a lot of jams so often that it earned him the nickname ‘Teflon Don’ amongst the boys because nothing ever stuck to him. He could get away with any outrage, any insult, any scandal and come out smelling like a sooty rose.
“That Lib gang might finally have the goods on me! I tired to pull a caper on that Zeloony schmuck over in the Ukraine and some stool pigeon ratted on me! I put a price on that whistle blowers head that will bring the rats out in droves to take him down. If not, my chum Putin will. Now I have to be on the lam. I figured the Senate building would be a good place to lay low. I know youse guys was always on my side!”
“That we can do Sire!” stated Mitch the Bitch (as he was also known), grovelling properly. Some of the other boys are in the back room here playing cards”.
“Show me the way!”
McConnell, carrying a candle stick, limped his way Igor-like back to the room and opened the door. A wafting of cigar and cigarette smoke puffed out thick enough to gag an elephant. Looking in, Teflon Don saw all his boys there. There was “Teddy Bear’ Barr, “Poker Face” Pence, Kelly-Anne “The Broad” Conway, Jared “The Punk” Kushner, Rudy “The Gall” Giuliani and Mike “Mr. Pompous” Pompeo. Only his daughter “Sweet Teats” Ivanka was absent. Together they resembled that famous poster depicting a card game played by dogs, although you could also mistake them for that other famous poster featuring a smoky card game being played by famous icons Elvis Presley, James Dean and Marilyn Monroe along with other 60’s luminaries, although Kelly-Anne didn’t have near the presence that Marilyn did.
“Who the hell is that?” shrilled Pompeo, reaching for the piece of iron he kept in his belt anytime he was in a meeting where money was involved.
“Relax!” stated Conway, pulling his arm back down. Can’t you see that is our boss?”
The Teflon Don pulled off his wig. “I put this on so no dirty Dem would take me out on the way over here.”
“Damn, I thought you always wore a wig.” stuttered Pompeo.
Trump exploded at this unintended insult — “Watch it wise guy! I made you and I can take you back out again!”
“Er, got it boss…” said Pompeo, humbled.
“So what’s the plan boss?” asked “The Punk” Kushner.
“OK boys, here’s how we’re gonna run this game — the Dem boys has the goods on me because of this scam I tried to pull on that Ukraine bum Zelousy or whatever his name is. Some slime ratted me out on this so now I got to lay low in this Senate hideout till the heat blows over. We gotta fortify this place like Leavenworth so they can’t get to me. Youse guys gotta help me out on this. We gotta make this place as tight as Fort Knox.”
“Them liberal cartel bastards got some big shot lawyers sharpening their saws to hack me up Khashoggi style, so we gotta match them tit for tat and I ain’t referring to Melania’s tits either. We gotta lie our noses off. Say whatever it takes to git me off the hook. We gotta work the public who loves me on this. I have been leading them around like a cow with a nose ring. Tell them anything to lead them down our rose lined path and not the set up path the Dems are coming up with. We’re gonna make Zelunky or whatever you call him be the fall guy in this escapade. Make it look like his Ukrainian boys were the ones who infiltrated the last election. Let the Russians stomp them up. If Putin were to ‘conveniently’ take over their country, then the truth will never get out. Anyone heard a word out of Crimea since my buddy Putin got his hands on it? Nope, nada, nothing. My buddy is real good at shutting up those who get in his way. We could learn a lot from him and how he conducts business.”
“Our motto from here out will be “Distract, Divert and Dis-inform”; the big three ‘D’s’ let’s call it. Lying my ass off has always gotten me by. It got me my billions and it got me to be President, so use that talent so that you don’t lose it. Also, extra credit points to whoever makes a hit on that Pelosi bitch!“
“Sorry boss, but it ain’t gonna be that way.” Teflon Don looks up to see that the boys have made a semi-circle in front of him, guns drawn. Suddenly they all looked like that one of the stills from that Dick Tracy movie made by Warren Beatty back in the 80’s only instead of Madonna playing “The Broad” Kelly-Anne was, which didn’t have the same effect at all.
“What is this?” Ain’t youse guys gonna back me up?”
“Hate to tell you this, Donny, but you been playing a poor game. You been bringing the heat down on us since you got elected. The Repub boys have been putting up with you for a long time and they have had enough. You are making us look bad. We’re supposed to be the heroes of America, not patsies like we seem now. We are supposed to be the righteous Christians, not the Judases and the Philistines like you make us look.”
A shocked Trump puts up his hands and backs against the wall. “But, but, youse guys love me! I am The Man who saved the country and the Republican Party! I am the Jesus the Right has been waiting forever since Reagan went balmy!”
“Sorry to tell you, Donny, but things are quite different than that. You have been a liability for some time now. You are dragging us and the country down a bad path. Something has to be thrown overboard or we are gonna sink. That something is you, baby!”
“But, no! No! I am your hero!”
“Boss, you’re fired!”
Gunshots ring out and the deed was done.
“You dirty rats!!!” would become the final words that they engraved on his tombstone.
As the shots echoed down the halls and the smoke cleared a voice said “And to think Putin had to set this whole thing up…”
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