[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Mike Pence Plans Gigantic National Exorcism to Combat Coronavirus

The VP, in charge of the U.S. response to the outbreak, says “Coronavirus” is just a “fancy liberal word for demonic possession,” plans national exorcism “as soon as we can get enough pigs together.”

Evangelical Pastors quickly line up in support: Rev. Franklin Graham says driving out the virus demons with an exorcism “will be a Trump miracle indeed!” while Jim Bakker’s Ministries offer $45.00 strips of “Jesus Bacon” guaranteed to protect buyers from all demon viruses. foreign and domestic. Paula White, Trump’s Spiritual Advisor, simply demands that everyone sends her all their money.

pence plans national exorcism
Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

WASHINGTON DC – Vice-President Mike Pence, Donald Trump’s Coronavirus Czar, said today that “in practice, there is no difference between a virus and a demon. It’s just a matter of terminology.”

He added: “You can play around with words if you like, but so far as I’m concerned, Coronovirus is just a fake-news liberal term for Demonic Possession. The Holy Bible tells us how to deal with that. The so-called scientists can just shut up.”

Pence said that his Holy Plan to defend America included “a gigantic national exorcism” set for the early spring. “In one mighty stroke,” he said, “all the Coronavirus Demons will be driven into a troop of squealing pigs just like Jesus did with the Gadarene Swine. Of course, this time I’ll be the Jesus.” The ritual would take place on the shore so that the possessed porkers would have a sea to rush into.

national exorcismEvangelical Pastor Jim Bakker was among the first Men of God to welcome the Vice President’s initiative. He said that in support his Holy Ministry would be offering worshipers  commemorative strips of  “high-quality Canadian Jesus Bacon” for only $45.00 each, $89.50 for two. After a “communion-like ingestion,” purchasers would be inundated with “tons of money” and “granted life-long immunity from all Demonic Viruses, foreign and domestic. Postage and handling not included.”

The Reverend Franklin (“Please don’t call me Billy”) Graham noted that driving out of the Coronavirus demons would be a “spine-tingling” fulfillment of the President’s “amazing” prediction that the Demons would eventually “miraculously disappear.”  Franklin said he believed  their evaporation would become known as Trump’s Third Miracle, after his amazing survival of the Mueller Report and the failed impeachment effort.

Michael Egan

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