Who’s the Fittest of Them All?

Who is the fittest to be president? Physically fit, that is.

Last December at a town hall event, former Vice President Joe Biden challenged a retired farmer to a push-up contest after the man claimed that Biden was too old to be president. Then, at a rally for presidential hopeful Tulsi Gabbard, a supporter mentioned the Biden challenge and asked Ms. Gabbard if she could beat Biden in such a competition. She said that not only could she beat the former vice-president but that she could defeat most people. Challenge accepted, Gabbard! Despite her mighty biceps, she dropped out of the race recently, after realizing that nobody knew who she was.

Who is the fittest to be president?
Who is the fittest to be president?

At first I thought that these dares were silly. Who cares which candidate can do more push-ups? But after giving it more thought, I decided that maybe they are on to something. Sure we need our commander in chief to be a stable genius, but maybe we also need someone who is in great physical shape. Don’t the American people deserve a leader with abs like Vladimir Putin instead of one with abs like Kim Jung-Un?

All candidates should submit to a physical fitness test so that the American people can see which ones are in excellent health. Many of our past presidents have been enthusiastic golfers while others excelled at real sports. For instance, Abraham Lincoln was a skilled wrestler and Theodore Roosevelt was an enthusiastic boxer. Being in good physical condition would ensure that the president has the stamina to handle the job.

But rather than a push-up contest, the Democratic and Republican parties should have each contender race through a Tough Mudder obstacle course. Then they could drag themselves through the mud instead of each other. Alternatively, the presidential hopefuls could attempt the American Ninja Warrior course. Watching Bernie Sanders attack the warped wall or Joe Biden attempting to conquer the salmon ladder would be more entertaining than listening to them deliver boring speeches on health care.

Selecting a leader, at least in part, based upon his/her strength or fitness isn’t an entirely new concept. After all, King Arthur earned the right to the British throne when he was the only one with the strength to pull the Excalibur sword from the stone.

In the general election, after the Democrats and Republicans each selected their stable, fit genius, the nominees would debate each other so that we could evaluate their mental abilities. Then we could assess their physical abilities with an old fashion fist fight. Televised, of course. Given the lack of sports on TV due to the pandemic, the masses would love a good fist a cuffs.

Both Biden and Trump have already expressed an interest in this. In 2018 Biden said that he would like to beat the hell out of Trump. To which “The Donald” responded, “Crazy Joe is trying to act like a tough guy. He doesn’t know me but he would go down fast and hard. Crying all the way.” I don’t think either of these old guys have had a fist fight since kindergarten. Nonetheless, who wouldn’t want to see these two modern day “gladiators” go at it?

After we observe the intellectual and physical contests we could do the usual voting thing. However, as we saw in the 2016 election and in the 2020 Democratic primary in Iowa, voting doesn’t always work out so well. Instead the presidential hopefuls could determine the winner with a duel. Dueling has fallen out of favor in the modern era but it might be a more satisfying and conclusive way to decide the next commander in chief. The party in office at the time would, of course, get to choose the weapon. I imagine this year it would be tweets at twenty paces.

JC Wade
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