My Pandemic Crystal Ball

Peer into my very unique crystal ball, and be forewarned about these future events!

The uncertainty surrounding the global outbreak of the COVID-19 virus has resulted in high levels of anxiety. Luckily, I’ve been able to look into my pandemic crystal ball and thus can assure you about these upcoming future developments:

chiaralily crystal ball
Image by chiaralily, flickr.com.

March 25, 2020

It’s official: the 2020 Olympics are cancelled. With that, every major sporting league and event has either been postponed or eliminated. Fortunately, almost no one has taken notice since people quickly realized what an expensive waste of time professional sports had become and have filled the available time with cheaper and much more satisfying pastimes.

April 12, 2020

The U. S. federal government takes advantage of the huge drop in oil prices to top up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. The reserve is now at its maximum capacity of 727 million barrels. Unfortunately, the Strategic Hand Sanitizer Reserve is currently almost totally depleted with little chance of replenishment any time soon. Trading in Purell stocks has been suspended for the immediate future to forestall suspected profiteering.

May 18, 2020

Those who have stockpiled toilet paper now have the last laugh as paper products manufacturing facilities are ordered to convert to disinfectant wipes. While the Dow Jones average threatens to drop fifty percent below its recent record level, toilet paper futures have gone through the roof. Per roll pricing on the open market hits a new high of $10.56 for regular and $12.03 for three-ply.

June 17, 2020

As the COVID-19 pandemic enters its second cycle, President Trump signs a new regulation to change the virus’s name to OBAMA-16. “He has to wear this,” said Trump, “since he’s the one who attracted the virus by creating a pandemic directorate in the White House.” Trump said he did what he could in 2018 by dismantling that directorate but, by then, it was too late.

August 1, 2020

President Trump announces his plan to amend the Constitution so it includes not only a minimum age of 35 to become President but also a maximum age of 75. Some have suggested that this move is a bit suspicious since Trump is 74 and his Democratic opponent Joe Biden is 77 but the President demurs: “I’m not aiming this provision at anyone in particular but you have to admit that something’s not right with Sleepy Joe.”

September 26, 2020

As the stock market gives back not only all the gains made since January of 2017 but also many of the gains made under Obama, President Trump drafts legislation that would assign appropriate blame. “Obviously I was responsible for the tremendous growth in my first three plus years” said Trump. “But Obama has to take the hit for the drop after that since the market fell right back to levels not seen since his administration.”

October 31, 2020

Although undetected by private and public agencies, the White House’s newly-created Office of Perpetual Pandemics warns of an incipient recurrence of the COVID-19 virus. President Trump details the new outbreak and assures the American public that there is no cause for alarm although it will necessitate postponement of the upcoming presidential election. “Not to worry,” says Trump. “I am prepared to stay on as your President for as long as it takes to defeat these Democratic pandemics.”

David Martin

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