[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Orders Manufacture of Bidets: Big TP Furious

Amid criticism from Big TP, Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act, ordering the mass manufacture of bidets.

President Trump on Thursday invoked the Defense Production Act to order the nation’s manufacturers to begin making bidets for the American public. The nation’s toilet paper industry, however, has condemned the move, saying it threatens American businesses. One spokesperson commented, “It’s an American tradition to roll up your sleeves and do the work yourself. Our proud industry reflects that.”

trump orders bidetsResponding to the comment, Jacques duBois of United Bidet, Inc., said, “Gross.”

Buying toilet paper has become extremely difficult for many households due to the outbreak of the coronavirus. The bidets are thought to be a solution to the issue.

Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams has supported the move and urged the American people to use the bidets in order to “prevent another public health crisis on our hands.” He continued, “Let me assure everyone right now by saying, Hey, using a bidet is not that bad. You get used to it and it feels kinda nice, too.”

Many Americans cheer the move, saying it’s a long-overdue solution. For others, however, it’s too little too late. “The days between when we ran out of toilet paper and when we finally received the bidet, those were dark days,” said Illinois resident Rashid Jetson. “Very dark.”

Support for the bidet subsidies has not been universal, however, with many supporting the toilet paper lobby. According to Jerry Whype, a hardware store owner from Indiana, “This is another attempt by elites to turn the U.S. into the E.U.!”

President Trump is expected to sign the order on an accelerated schedule. The reason, according to an anonymous source: “Because of supply chain issues, the White House has been unable to procure toilet paper for weeks. Their supply is running dangerously low.”

Evan Helmlinger