[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ivanka Takes a Star Wars Halloween Trip

Star Wars comes to life in the Trump home.

A story has finally leaked out about an incident that happened around Halloween last year when Ivanka was not seen in public for a few weeks. It appears that she was in a private psychiatric hospital while she recovered from the hallucinogenic effects of some mushrooms she purchased at a roadside farmer’s market that she described to her friends had a “trippy 1960’s vibe.”

Star WarsThat evening, she and the children put on their Star Wars Halloween costumes and watched Return of the Jedi, with Ivanka in Carrie Fisher’s gold bikini. At the end of the movie, the nannies took the children to bed, and Ivanka went to her own bedroom.

About 15 minutes later, Jared entered the room to find her sitting on the edge of the bed with the chain from the metal collar around her neck clamped on a bedpost. Thinking it was a game of sexual role playing, Jared decided to play along.

“Leia,” he called, “It’s Han. I’ve come to rescue you!” Jared then lunged toward the chain and pretended to give it a karate chop, since he didn’t have a weapon.

Ivanka jumped to her feet yelling, “Leave, leave my bedchamber right now. I don’t belong to you anymore. I belong to him.”

Thinking he was supposed to play the dashing hero, Jared then rushed Ivanka and tried to throw her over his shoulder.

Yelling, “No, no, it’s over between us,” Ivanka smacked Jared in the mouth with one of her metal bracelets. Blood running down his chin from his now very swollen lip, Jared dropped Ivanka onto the bed and dashed into the bathroom to make a cold compress with a hand towel.

When Jared returned to the bedroom, Ivanka looked at him with a cold eye. “Leave, leave before he gets here. You’ve always known he was the one in control. I hear his bulk coming down the hall. Go out the side door before Lord Jabba gets here!”

At this point, Jared realized that this was no role play, and Ivanka had lost touch with reality. He did leave by the side door, but to call the family physician who sent a special limousine with EMT’s who convinced her that they were emissaries of Jabba the Hutt ordered to take her to his special hideout.

During the first few days of therapy, Ivanka continued to insist that Jared was Han Solo and did not recognize photos of her children, except the youngest who she identified as Salacious Crumb. By the third day, the effects of the hallucinogen began to wear off, and she could correctly identify all family members, except her father, whom she continued to refer to as Jabba the Hutt for the next two weeks. During this time, Jared mentioned his concern to her therapist, who assured him that this was taking more time only because there was such a close resemblance.

Diane de Anda