After the Mount Rushmore plan fell through, Trump’s team did not give up trying to find a suitable location for a proper Trump monument.
“White House reached out to South Dakota governor about adding Trump to Mount Rushmore.”
— N. Y. Times headline, August 9, 2020
Apparently, Mount Rushmore was not the only monumental inquiry made by White House officials, as evidenced by these recent emails:
TO: Statue of Liberty
We’d like to know if there is any provision for altering the Statue of Liberty to honor the greatest president of all time, Donald J. Trump. Would it be possible to replace Lady Liberty’s head with that of Lord Libertine? To keep costs down, only minor alterations would be required to convert her gown to resemble a manly Roman toga. If the budget could accommodate it, how about, instead of a torch, President Trump could hold up a Bible or possibly a Big Mac?
TO: Washington Monument
Just a quick question about possible changes to the Washington Monument. As you know, when it comes to matters of manhood, President Trump has made it clear that “there’s no problem – I guarantee.” Perhaps a couple of large boulders could be placed at the base of the monument surrounded by some golden shrubbery. The renamed Trump Monument would be a fitting priapic tribute to the Member-in-Chief.
TO: Iwo Jima Memorial
Apparently there have been no modifications to the Iwo Jima Memorial since its erection in 1954. Obviously, some changes are long overdue. Might we suggest a few minor tweaks to honor the nation’s greatest soldier, Donald J. Trump? But for some unfortunate bone spurs, our President would definitely have been a war hero. We’re not asking for much; maybe just alter one of the monument’s soldiers to represent Donald Trump with golden hair, a bronzed face and a bright red MAGA hat.
TO: Stone Mountain Confederate Memorial Carving
If you’re looking to add another “son of the South” to your glorious monument, look no further than our President. No one in recent memory has done more to honor the Confederacy than Donald J. Trump. From Confederate statuary to the rebel flag, he has upheld the South’s proud traditions and surely deserves a place of honor on Stone Mountain. Rather than add a fourth person, however, perhaps it would be easier to simply change the bas-relief of President Jefferson Davis to President Donald J. Trump since everyone prefers a winner to a loser anyway.
TO: Lincoln Memorial
We aren’t questioning Abraham Lincoln’s place in history but, as President Trump has frequently noted, no one has done more for African Americans than him. Please consider changing the Lincoln Memorial to the Trump Memorial. The cost would be minimal as only minor changes to the head would be required (i.e. – lose the beard, add some yellow hair and paint the face orange). Although Lincoln was apparently the first Republican president (Did you know that?), there’s no doubt Donald Trump is the greatest Republican president.