The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Presidents Zelensky, Putin and Biden

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Presidents Zelensky, Putin and Biden.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are President of the Ukraine, Volodymr Zelensky; President of Russia, Vladimir Putin; and President of the United States, Joe Biden. Good morning everyone.

Volodymyr Zelensky Caricature by DonkeyHotey
Volodymyr Zelensky. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

VOLODYMR ZELENSKY

Da.

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Da, da.

JOE BIDEN

(sings) Da, da, black sheep. Have you any wool?

BIDEN

I’m serious, man.

JERRY

President Zelensky. It must be a relief to deal with President Biden, who is rational and not a moron like Donald Trump.

ZELENSKY

Donny small hands threaten withhold military aid if I not find dirt on Hunter Biden.

BIDEN

There was no dirt, pal. Hunter had a drug problem. Something Putin can relate to with his Winter Olympics team.

PUTIN

You mean 15-year-old skater Kamila Valieva? She accidentally take grandpa’s heart med instead of vitamin. Innocent mistake. Two year ago, I quit using drugs for good. Now I use for evil. Who need drugs for heart? I don’t have heart.

JERRY

Zelensky. Your country is surrounded by 170,000 Russian troops ready to invade. What do you tell Ukrainian citizens?

ZELENSKY

Every man for himself. I’m bookin, Duncanova. Pretty girl wait for me in French Riviera.

BIDEN

Folks. His comic survival instincts kicked in. Here’s the deal. The two leaders have so much in common. Culture, language, religion. Zelensky is a comedian and Putin is a clown.

JERRY

Mr. Putin. Why do you want to take over the Ukraine? Can’t you just be a peaceful neighbor?

PUTIN

Zelensky want to become member of European Union. He will have trade advantage and close political ties to enemy of Russia.

JERRY

Every country is an enemy of Russia.

PUTIN

No. Russia like China. We have lot in common. China have no friend, either.

BIDEN

Those Chinese thugs have their eye on the big prize Taiwan. President Xi is a bully like you, Putin.

PUTIN

How can I be bully? I short person.

ZELENSKY

I short, too. I constantly thirsty, because can’t reach drinking fountain.

PUTIN

No worry. I do cyber attack and Ukraine won’t have water. We screw up electricity, computer, everything in country.

ZELENSKY

No Chicken Kiev for Russia!

JERRY

How do you feel about the situation President Biden?

BIDEN

If Puty invades the Ukraine, he will pay a heavy price. The United States and our European allies will cut off trade with Russia, go after their banking and financial institutions, stop mail order brides. The list is endless.

PUTIN

Who care? I get Donald Trump elected again and you be in Siberia.

BIDEN

If that ever happens, I will take the matter up with the Geneva Convention. You’d be considered a war criminal.

ZELENSKY

He already war criminal. Russia annex Crimean Peninsula in 2014. That my turf.

PUTIN

I decide what your turf.

JERRY

Okay. Okay. I’ll be the peacemaker.

BIDEN

Don’t forget to tell Puty that he needs to withdraw those 17 troops from the Ukrainian border. I mean 170 troops. Shucks, 170,000.

JERRY

This is it, dweebs. Putin calls off the invasion and his troops withdraw. Zelensky teams up with Putin for a comedy tour called Short and Shorter.

PUTIN

I straight man. Feed funny man lines.

ZELENSKY

That work. I funny man.

JERRY

Deal?

PUTIN AND ZELENSKY

Da! Yes!

BIDEN

That’s a big f*cking deal.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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