[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Putin Rebrands McDonald’s as McPutin’s

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Russian president promises McPutin’s will be “huge,” as experts warn the abomination may be his biggest war crime yet.

In an exclusive interview with SNN‘s Moscow-based correspondent Roscoe Siberia, Russian president Vladimir Putin unveiled the first of many counter-sanctions he will unleash against America.

Overflowing crowds: patronizing the new restaurant is mandatory for all citizens, who are commanded to say “I’m lovin’ it” to anyone who asks.

Mr. Putin stated that he has nationalized all 850 McDonald’s locations across Russia and rebranded them “McPutin’s.”

Putin said he has removed all “scummy” western items from the menu and replaced them with “delicious” items of Russian dietary culture.

The Big Mac has been replaced by The Big Putin, and will come with a bowl of borscht and KGB fries.

The Happy Meal has been replaced by The Babushki.

Chicken McNuggets has been replaced by Moscow Pigeon Nuggets with vodka sauce.

The Breakfast Menu will be pared down to two items — a Bowl of Gulag Gruel and a Bowl of Gulag Gruel with Blini.

The main beverage will be the Big Siberian Ice.

There will be a variety of burgers, including the Comrad Burger, the Cossack Burger, the Stalin Burger, the Lenin Burger and the Trotsky Burger.

With the Dasvedanya Burger, you get your choice of a trip to Siberia or a trip to Ukraine.

Sides will include a Bowl of Borscht or a Bowl of Goat Stroganoff.

Mr. Putin stated that his plans for the Krispy Ukrainian Sandwich have hit a snag.

Next, Mr. Putin plans to nationalize Starbucks and Visa. Starbucks will become “Nikita Kruschev Koffee” and Russians can turn in their old Visa cards to receive the new “Putin Ruble Card.”

Ted Holland