[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Exclusive! Pelosi Offers Sex to Putin if He’ll Withdraw

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Confused at first, Pelosi clarified that the Russian leader would simply need to withdraw from Ukraine.

Slobovian Secret Service operative Snee Keye Peete has retrieved an ultra-secretive and sensitive communique from the office of Democratic bigwig Speaker Nancy Pelosi. In a triple-coded message sent from Pelosi to Russian strongman Vladimir Putin, she states that if he would withdraw from Ukraine, she will fly to Moscow and give her body to him.

putin nancy withdrawPeete states that he inadvertently came across the message while decoding a communication sent from the mafia on the outlaw planet Zardoc plotting to fix the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

Mr. Peete then contacted the world’s top news entities and offered the info to the highest bidder. According to insider sources, Fox News Channel offered him two million dollars cash, CNN offered 1.2 million dollars and Newsy offered $135.00. SNN had offered 200 dollars, a case of spam and 12 bottles of MD 20/20.

The much sought-after communique was siphoned from Mr. Peete by SNN resident and Witch Doctoress
Dr. Sweet Mama DoRite, who secretly put a telepathic gooba-gooba into Mr. Peete’s brain and sucked out the data.

SNN is hard at work to ascertain if Mr. Putin received the message and what his response would be. Early leaks suggest that his only condition is they’d have to do it on his horse.

Ted Holland