Trump claims “dangerous fruits,” like those he railed against in a recent deposition, would “juice-up” Ukraine’s military.
Criticizing President Biden’s response to the Russian invasion of Ukraine as “weak and ineffective,” Donald Trump is now advocating the use of “dangerous fruits” as a way to counter Russian aggression.
“First of all, no one likes having fruit thrown at them, and I mean no one! Except maybe smartass liberal sicko perverts, but they don’t count,” he explained. “Secondly, flying fruit can be a very dangerous thing. It can actually kill you!”
“I’m talking grapefruit, pineapples, and especially peaches,” the ex-president went on. “Even tomatoes. Because they have seeds which makes them a fruit, and that’s a fact because I’ve got a really big brain. And, you know, the beauty of dangerous fruit is that it requires no special training. You just throw it. And then you run away and deny it. What could be easier? Any idiot can do that.
“It’s no coincidence that Putin began his invasion in February, much too early for watermelon season and way too late for the pumpkin harvest. And pumpkins are dangerous fruits too because they have seeds like tomatoes and you can grab them by the stem and hurl them over incredible distances. And you can even carve scary faces on them to terrify and demoralize your enemy. And believe me, most Russians have never even heard of Halloween so this can be very disorienting.
“Bananas are very dangerous as well,” the presidential reject continued, “Not only can they poke you in the eye, but they can also be thrown like boomerangs. I saw that in a movie once. And banana peels, you know, are actually the slipperiest things ever invented! So what better way to stop an advancing army? As a matter of fact, if I had been in charge the Russian invasion never would have happened because I would have established a banana peel perimeter all along the border. That way if Russia attacked they’d never be able to slip past it. And Ukrainian forces could then pelt them with all types of dangerous fruits, and maybe even vegetables. Because, you know, I hate taking anything off the table.
“And then,” Trump concluded, “After Ukraine’s inevitable triumph they could celebrate my great and tremendous victory with a delicious fruit salad for everyone. Or better yet, let them eat fruitcake!”