[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“What else can we do?” asks Lindsey Graham, who says he may be forced to ‘come out’ on national TV just to compete with Trump for the attention.
WASHINGTON, DC — Donald Trump’s success at grabbing the headlines, followed by Mike Huckabee’s out-trumping “Holocaust” remarks, has led to a desperate scramble among GOP presidential candidates to find something — anything — outrageous to say to get attention.
Graham noted that he had already made some headway with his phone-smashing video, and hinted that as a follow up he would “come out” on national TV, naming John McCain as his secret lover.
“If that doesn’t get me onto the stage at the 6 August Fox News debate,” Graham said, “nothing will! It might even get Johnny there again too, bless his cute little tush.”
Graham went on: “Actually my announcement would be a two-fer for me and Rick Perry. Because he’s planning to call for gays to be used as guinea pigs for new capital-punishment injection drugs.”
Sen. Graham’s eyes lit up. “Reckon that’ll get the headlines! Then I’ll respond by saying that GOP gays should be exempt and declared honorary hetero…hetero…what is the word again?
“Anyway, I’ll say that only Commie gays, codeword for Blacks and poor, should be used, because under an originalist reading of the Constitution they are only three-fifths human anyway. I’ll get Justices Scalia and What’s-His-Name Thomas to support me. If that doesn’t cause an uproar, I don’t know what will.”
Asked about his own outrageous out-Trump Trump plans, Sen. Ted Cruz said that he would be advocating Female Genital Mutilation among virgin Christian girls.
“That’ll teach the little sluts,” Cruz smirked, adding that he thought FGM was a really good idea anyway. “Keeps them from itching that scratch,” he crudely laughed.
Sen. Cruz went on: “I mean if you can snip off a foreskin routinely, simple fairness and equality say the same courtesy should be extended to chicks. I’ll appeal to the feminists, that should get me quite a few column inches, however they react.”
As the only female candidate, Carly Fiorina said that actually she was best placed to hit the headlines “because I can use all kinds of sexual remarks in ambiguous ways.” For example, if she mentioned the V-word in public, together with her “sisterly” advice to Hillary Clinton, “it could even propel me to the vice-presidency. Or even a job at Fox.”
In Wisconsin, Scott Walker took a break from wrecking the economy and said that he didn’t need to say outrageous things to command the headlines.
“When you’re a Koch employee,” he said smugly, depositing a check via cell-phone app, “you leave that kind of thing to the Masters.”
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