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Mothers of GOP Candidates to Protect Them During Debate

Nov 112015
 
 By , November 11, 2015

Candidates insist moms the only ones they can trust anymore

MILWAUKEE, WI — Today, all the Republican presidential candidates announced that their mothers — or other support figures — would stand close to them during the next debate.

CandidatesThe GOP candidates’ mothers demanded they be on stage to protect their children from both each other and the moderators, especially after the last debate hosted by CNBC made their precious little snowflake adult-children have hissy fits.

“My Jeb is not going on that stage again unless I am with him. I have seen him lose enough debates, and this losing streak ends tonight,” declared a stern Barbara Bush, who is — bar none — the most feared person to be in attendance at any Republican debate.

An increasingly combative, red-faced Barbara Bush continued, “If that Marco Rubio thinks he can bully my child and get away with it, he better watch out. I have no problem with hitting brats, and that goes for that clown Trump and everyone else on stage tonight.”

“I will be protecting my son tonight, because the CNBC moderators were trying to crucify him like he was an American Jesus. He is, but that’s not the point,” stated Rafael Cruz, who is exactly what one might expect Senator Ted Cruz’s father to be like.

Retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson claimed Japanese Prime Minister Hideki Tojo would stand next to him tonight, despite the fact Tojo was executed in December 1948 for war crimes

Billionaire Donald Trump announced his lawyer would be standing next to him on stage, “and maybe that guy who spit in the face of an immigration protester at one of my rallies too.”

The moderators for the next scheduled debate did not return a request for comment regarding the candidates’ latest demand.

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Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.

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