[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Candidates insist moms the only ones they can trust anymore
MILWAUKEE, WI — Today, all the Republican presidential candidates announced that their mothers — or other support figures — would stand close to them during the next debate.
The GOP candidates’ mothers demanded they be on stage to protect their children from both each other and the moderators, especially after the last debate hosted by CNBC made their precious little snowflake adult-children have hissy fits.
“My Jeb is not going on that stage again unless I am with him. I have seen him lose enough debates, and this losing streak ends tonight,” declared a stern Barbara Bush, who is — bar none — the most feared person to be in attendance at any Republican debate.
An increasingly combative, red-faced Barbara Bush continued, “If that Marco Rubio thinks he can bully my child and get away with it, he better watch out. I have no problem with hitting brats, and that goes for that clown Trump and everyone else on stage tonight.”
“I will be protecting my son tonight, because the CNBC moderators were trying to crucify him like he was an American Jesus. He is, but that’s not the point,” stated Rafael Cruz, who is exactly what one might expect Senator Ted Cruz’s father to be like.
Retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson claimed Japanese Prime Minister Hideki Tojo would stand next to him tonight, despite the fact Tojo was executed in December 1948 for war crimes
Billionaire Donald Trump announced his lawyer would be standing next to him on stage, “and maybe that guy who spit in the face of an immigration protester at one of my rallies too.”
The moderators for the next scheduled debate did not return a request for comment regarding the candidates’ latest demand.
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