[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Listen, I’m disgusting myself, OK?,’ Trump said, ‘You should just see me in the morning!’
NEW YORK – Presidential candidate Donald Trump yesterday defended his use of the word “disgusting” to characterize Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during the last Democratic Party debate.
“When I said ‘disgusting’” Trump explained at a press conference, “I meant it in the best possible way, like schlong, which is simply the opposite of schlort.
“So lemme say that it’s great that Hillary’s girl parts are all healthy and working and she can bleed disgustingly from wherever,” Trump observed. “So you see, disgusting is good.”
“The fact that them good disgusting parts disqualify her and Carly Fiorina from being president, is just another great thing about disgusting, like Carly’s face.”
“When I say something disgusting, which I often do,” the next President added, “there’s nothing disgusting about it. Listen, patriotism is extremely disgusting – think of our invasion of Iraq!”
He went on: “You want more disgusting? You should just see me first thing in the morning! Now that’s disgusting!”
The very first thing he does after opening his eyes, Mr Trump said, “is to plant a loud fart under the covers to wake up Melania! Then I shout, ‘I’m still not too old to cut the mustard!’”
He guffawed. “It works every time! It’s just one quick, ‘Oh fuck, not again!’ and she’s up and outa there faster than I can make them pink satin sheets billow with the next one.
“Of course,” Mr Trump noted, adjusting his toupee, “it’s not just any farts I fart, no sirree, but the very biggest, juiciest and most disgusting farts produced anywhere in the entire world that day!”
He gave a noisy raspberry with this tongue. “Taught mine to go T…rrr…uuuuu…mp, you geddit? T…rrr…uuuuu…mp! Even my name sounds like a fart! Disgusting is really good!”
Another source of daily Trump disgust, said the next President, were his disgusting thoughts about his “Playboy model” daughter, whom he disgustingly often dreams of dating.
However, he is discouraged each morning by the sight of his own “disgusting, wobbling pink belly, all moist and hairy,” as he rolls out of bed.
“Never mind Ivanka, it makes me wonder what even Melania sees in me,” the great man apparently muttered to himself. He squeezed, his adipose paunch with two hands.
“Sometimes,” he said aloud, “I think it’s just about my money, but she says she’s really and truly and sincerely and undeniably and irresistibly attracted to smelly, loud-mouthed, narcissistic, overweight, fake-haired old con-men with hyper-inflated egos and the dictatorial, sarcastic manners of a Slovenian petty bureaucrat.
“Quote, unquote.” Trump added. “She is from Slovenia, you know.”
Then he said: “And of course I absolutely believe her! Isn’t that just disgusting? In the very best sense, of course.”
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