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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Putin Trolls Trump’s Valentine Tweets

Feb 132017
 By , February 13, 2017

Putin discovers Twitter and trolls Trump, lovingly.

The tweets in text format:


Trump: Roses are [email protected] correctly-rated.

Putin:[email protected] are red. I am too. Democrats are blue because of Kremlin.


Trump:[email protected] have the best heart! So healthy. It beats totally normally when I’m around you.

Putin:[email protected] could make your heart stop by bending my pinky finger, but I don’t do.


Trump:[email protected] am tremendously rich. I could buy so many ladies. But I chose you.

Putin:[email protected] have ransom on FED server. Your money is my money, no? This is love.


Trump:[email protected] hands are big enough to grab you. Believe me!

Putin:[email protected] grab many people in van but you I take on my horse. This is no euphemism. I have horse.


Trump: Roses could afford to lose a few petals.

Putin:[email protected] can arrange.


Trump:[email protected] love you even when your bleeding from you’re wherever.

Putin:[email protected] love you to pieces. Tiny tiny pieces.


Trump:[email protected], you are a 10!

Putin:[email protected], I mean microwave supper, you are a 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4 …


Trump: I love the constitution like I love women. What does that say? You tell me!

Putin:[email protected]I have kinky thing for documentation. I did not know we had in common. I am shock.


Trump:[email protected] I loved you first.

Putin:[email protected] rhymes with Sri Lanka. Could be useful.


Donald J. Trump Retweeted

John Donne @johndonne . Feb 13

I wonder, by my troth, what thou and I

Did, till we loved? Were we not weaned till then?

But sucked on country pleasures, childishly?

Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers’ den?

’Twas so.


VladPutin Retweeted

Pushkin @pushkin . Feb 11

In alien lands I keep the body

Of ancient native rites and things:

I gladly free a little birdie

At celebration of the spring.


Trump:[email protected] heart’s like a plastic banana container. No smush. It’s incredibly incredibly hard.

VladPutin:[email protected] heart is like submarine. Room for more ladies than you would think.


Trump:[email protected] words. It’s time for nukey.

VladPutin:[email protected] Jumped the gun.


Putin trolls Trump on Twitter

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Caoilinn Hughes

Caoilinn Hughes' first novel, ORCHID & THE WASP, is forthcoming from Hogarth in the spring of 2018. She has published comedy in The Rumpus, poetry in POETRY and in book form & fiction in Tin House. Currently Visiting Writer at Maastricht University in the Netherlands, she is represented by Bill Clegg.

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