[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Trump’s best buds in Russia invite him over to share more fun and secrets
MOSCOW — While many across the US have expressed indignation over Trump’s loose lips with Russian officials concerning state secrets, the Russians have begun inviting Trump to all their “cool kid parties.”
Following their initial meeting, Sergey Lavrov, mustering all the “Lav” in his cold Russian heart, took Trump to a romantic, candlelight dinner for two at a Golden Corral — the choice of restaurant stipulated to be an indication of Russia’s recent budget shortages. Afterwards, the two sang karaoke, with Lavrov challenging Trump to sing US nuclear codes to the tunes of Katy Perry’s Firework and Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive.
The next night, Trump received an invitation to Russian Ambassador Kislyak’s sleepover, where they played a version of never-have-I-ever, naming military weapons instead of embarrassing secrets, before Kislyak gave Trump a good night kiss and mysteriously disappeared.
Both Lavrov and Kislyak afterwards thanked Trump “for being their bestie,” and said he had been such an awesome friend that they were inviting him to the Kremlin to play all sorts of games with Vladdy Putin.
US officials have pleaded with Trump not to go, but Trump has reportedly already packed his sleeping bag and toothbrush, and had Mike Pence call Putin to see if they had the good kind of cereal that Donnie likes for breakfast. Putin responded “after tonight, there will be no more disagreements over Syria,” before laughing maniacally and then asking Pence about Trump’s bedtime.
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