[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The Trump dilemma, shared by the Grim Reaper
An anonymous source, who would only refer to herself as the leader of a local coven, shared her tape recording of her recent conversation with the Grim Reaper regarding Donald Trump. This is an exclusive transcription of that meeting:
Leader: Our coven is very disappointed in you. How many goats and chickens do we have to sacrifice before you come for him?
Grim Reaper: I know he’s long past his due date.
Leader: What do you mean?
Grim Reaper: Just look at the guy. He’s put on so much weight he looks like an emperor penguin, and leaving his jacket unbuttoned can’t hide it. He doesn’t believe in exercise, breaks up his sleep to send tweets, my guess is in between bathroom runs. Besides, he’s a real time bomb.
Leader: What do you know?
Grim Reaper: His orange face turns beet red day after day as he blows up about one thing or one person or another. Anyone else would have blown a blood vessel by now. And, believe me, you aren’t the only one calling on me to take him out!
Leader: Then why haven’t you?
Grim Reaper: No one understands how complicated my job really is. I can’t do anything until I find a place that will take him?
Leader: You mean like heaven or hell?
Grim Reaper: Yeah, for starters. The Almighty won’t even consider it, and he’s really touchy about it, doesn’t like to admit any of his creations were a big mistake. Purgatory is out of the question, because eternity isn’t long enough to clean his slate. I would have thrown him into Limbo, but the Catholic Church eliminated it last century.
Leader: What about the obvious choice, you know, hell?
Grim Reaper: You’d think it would be a slam dunk, right? Well, Satan‘s being really hard-nosed about it. He says that since the beginning of time, he has had to put up with the groans and cries of all the damned in their fire and brimstone, but he couldn’t tolerate the screams
and shrieks when it got out that Donald Trump might be joining them.
Leader: So what can you do?
Grim Reaper: Well, I may have one out?
Leader: What’s that?
Grim Reaper: I’ve been looking over all the people he’s cheated over the years, the using of his charitable foundation money to pay for his portrait and other goodies, his push to take health care away from millions while stuffing his and his rich pals’ pockets, not to mention the stacks of lies and the secret stuff with Russia, and decided that there’s nothing for me to do.
Leader: Why not?
Grim Reaper: It’s clear — he doesn’t have a soul for me to take.
Diane de Anda
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