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Jeff Boldt

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

Jan 212015
 
 By , January 21, 2015

“A selfie can make you feel like you’re somebody” – Dr. Sal Fee

Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone who is as happy as the people you see on TV?

doctors recommend 3 selfies a dayYou might have a classic case of what doctors call “failed existence syndrome.” And although it’s true you will never be any of the extremely successful, popular, wealthy, beloved, beautiful, clean, fragrant, dentally perfect A-listers, you can still have a small piece of their eternal happiness. A very very very…very small piece.

“A sliver of stardom is still stardom, is it not?” Dr. Sal Fee posed rhetorically. “Everyday people like you and I could never have all the happiness that celebrities possess. But if we can somehow mimic their lifestyle and actions in a small way then we can at least have a sliver of their happiness. That’s the beauty of social media.”

A leading psychiatrist and forerunner in this newly growing field, Dr. Sal Fee, has just released his new book entitled The Selfie-Worth Guide: “How to go from zero to pretty good in no time.”

“These perfect little snapshots are like small deposits into what I call ‘the bank of self-worth,'” Dr. Fee revealed. “If a person is a real goose egg, sorry, zero when it comes to life then all they have to do is join social media and, within hours, can increase their personal value exponentially.

“And that’s something solid too — something they can trust. I mean, why rely on feelings, which are fickle anyway, when you can rely on something that will be there forever — like Facebook?”

“I’ve tried all of the self-help books that are out there,” said one previously worthless individual. “Who knew that selfie-help was what I actually needed? And the results are amazing! I’m up to seven selfies a day and I feel like a million bucks! Sorry, doctor, I mean I feel like 455 selfies.”

We talked to another former walking disaster and he was just as surprised with the results.

“People told me my whole life that I was a waste of space,” he offered. “But it wasn’t until I realized I was one that I began to have hope. Thanks Dr. F!”

Aug 092014
 
 By , August 9, 2014
Bush Authorizes Renewed Air Strikes in Iraq

Order for renewed air strikes in Iraq comes from the top President Bush, in the face of bi-partisan opposition, has again authorized the use of air strikes in Iraq, entrenching the U.S. even further into a political and military quagmire that has spanned multiple administrations. [more…]

Jun 062014
 
 By , June 6, 2014
Milk Stamp Boycott Highlights Extreme Lactose Intolerance

Lactophobia revealed by Milk stamp boycott On May 22nd, the White House posthumously commemorated a new stamp in honor of Harvey Milk, the first member of the lactose community to openly drink milk as an adult politician. Immediately after its release, the American Family Association [more…]

May 252014
 
 By , May 25, 2014
Amazing Race to Release 'Sad Sack Race' for the Rest of Us

Amazing Race for the un-amazing The CBS finale of Amazing Race All-Stars 2014 did not disappoint, and the world once again was able to live vicariously through beautiful, (mostly) young, well-toned human beings. However, after going back and reviewing the millions and millions of video [more…]

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