[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Putin Mobilizes Bolshoi Ballet

Putin has drafted the Bolshoi Ballet among the conscripts shoring up Russia’s military in Ukraine. But Biden is on his toes.

Vladimir Putin’s military call-up follows heavy losses and battlefield retreats in Ukraine. The inclusion of The Bolshoi Ballet marks a significant shift in military strategy according to retired General Wesley Clark.

Bolshoi Ballet
Bolshoi Ballet.

“You have a faltering Russian military that lacks flexibility and maneuverability. It’s slow, heavy and demoralized. Bringing in the Bolshoi is an effort to inject it with discipline, passion and creativity on the battlefield.” General Clark is the author of Winning Modern Wars Through Creative Dance. It is considered to be a classic textbook in modern battlefield strategy.

“Given that General (Aleksander) Dvornikov, Commander of the Russian forces in Ukraine has been awarded the additional title of Supreme Artistic Director, I think you will see a specialized Bolshoi troop embedded within the 2nd Army Tchaikovsky Division.” stated Clark.

An angry President Biden announced a swift response to Putin’s mobilization plan. “President Putin, you wanna dance? Let’s f***ing dance! I am ordering battlefield deployment of the American Ballet Theatre, the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater, the Martha Graham Dance Company, and the Radio City Music Hall’s Rockettes. We are committing toe-shoes on the ground!” he declared.

Canada’s Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, announced that his government is sending all eighteen Cirque du Soleil troupes worldwide to Ukraine. “If Russia thinks it can just waltz in to any country it wishes, Canada is not going to tap dance around our shared responsibility to stop them.”

To General Clark, the most likely battlefield strategy is “to corner the Russians currently dug in at Lebedinoye Ozero (Swan Lake) in the Donbas region. Then, force them to hold their position (5th Position) until they collapse.” (Editor’s Note: In ballet’s 5th Position: the feet are turned out and pressed closely together, the heel of one foot against the toe of the other.)

The next round of engagement will clearly be toe-shoe to toe-shoe.

David Wollman