[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Future News: Florida ‘Election Integrity’ Cops Declare DeSantis Winner

In a verified news report from next month, it was revealed that DeSantis’ “election integrity” police force has declared him winner.

TALLAHASSEE, Dec. 9, 2022 — Thousands of Florida voters who died from Covid-19 were lifelong Republicans who consistently voted in primaries and general elections before the novel Coronavirus killed them and therefore were entitled to have their posthumous votes counted, forensic election auditors with Florida’s Election Integrity Police Force ruled today.

election integrity with Ron DeSantis
Ron DeSantis announces “surprise election integrity” result proves he won. Original photo by Hudson Institute (background changed). CC BY 2.0.

In the same decision, several thousand Democratic votes were disqualified for failing to meet strict new standards set by the GOP-controlled state Legislature.

The ruling by the state’s voter detectives gave Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis a narrow victory over his Democratic challenger. More than 8 million Floridians voted. The decision came a month after the Nov. 8 General Election, with the final result stuck in limbo after numerous recounts and court challenges. The election integrity cops got the case after the Republican-dominated Florida Supreme Court ruled the newly established force had the legal authority to resolve vote total disputes.

“Florida continues to be the freest state in the nation,” a jubilant DeSantis said, as supporters chanted “2024, 2024.” Smiling, the governor vowed to build on his record of accomplishments when his second term begins in January.

“I am grateful to all the Floridians, alive and deceased, who supported my mission. And I am equally proud of the Election Integrity Police Force I created with the help of the state Legislature. Sunshine State residents need to trust that elections here are fair and honest. Voters need to know that their legitimate intentions are honored and counted by our 67 hard-working county Supervisors of Elections.”

The forensic auditors applied a novel election theory to award DeSantis more votes than he accumulated in the initial vote totals sent to the Florida Secretary of State. The auditors reviewed death certificates to calculate how many Florida voters had died from Covid-19 when Joe Biden, a Democrat, was president.

Then they studied the voting histories and voter registration information for the dead voters, which showed thousands of them were life-long Republican voters who always participated in Florida primaries and General Elections.

“We are not saying that President Biden meant to rig the election against Gov. DeSantis,” a spokesperson for the Florida Election Integrity Police Force said. “We are not charging that his failed Covid policies discriminated against Republican voters. However, it is clear that these voters were devoted GOP partisans who intended to continue supporting Republican politicians.”

Dan Wolf, CEO, and founder of Democracy Counts, a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization that gives volunteer election auditors free apps to make sure vote counts are accurate, expressed amusement at the Florida result.

“We want to see all legitimate votes counted,” he said from his headquarters, a converted atomic bomb-proof missile silo in San Diego. He added, wryly, “This Florida ruling probably puts a smile on the face of Richard Daley, the deceased mayor of Chicago, who was equally thoughtful about arranging for the deceased to have their say.”

Steve Schneider