[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Biden to Nationalize Taylor Swift for Ukrainian War Funding

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The president says we must nationalize all private income sources that are outperforming the IRS to fund the war effort.

This week, President Joe Biden made a two billion dollar military pledge to the war effort in Ukraine, and now realizes he needs to nationalize private income sources to pay for it.

nationalize Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift, Speak Now Tour in Sydney, Australia, 2012. Photo by Eva Rinaldi, flickr.com.

According to SNN bankruptcy reporter Ayne Gottnoe Cashe, upon returning to the White House, the President realized that he had a financial problem. The US is already 33 trillion dollars in the hole, and there is trouble brewing between the US and its usual source of finance, China. Should the country go to war with China, the US could not get its customary loans from China’s Quong Bong Bank.

Faced with that possibility, the President stated that he would nationalize America’s greatest source of income… pop singer Taylor Swift.

According to Mr. Biden, Taylor Swift makes about a billion dollars a day from CD sales, downloads, royalties and licensing. Therefore, her income could fund the war in Ukraine, as well as our upcoming war with China. Mr. Biden said that he is also considering nationalizing Tom Brady, Lebron James, Aaron Judge and the Marvel Comics Empire.

SNN Words to Live By

“A man’s head has always been softer than a woman’s heart.” — Ward Cleaver (Hugh Beaumont), Leave It to Beaver TV series.

“You can’t polish a turd.”John Bradshaw Layfield, Monday Night Raw TV show.

“Rules are made to be interpreted.” — Tank McNamara comic strip.

Ted Holland