[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Renowned Sensitivity Expert: Everything Ever Written is Offensive to Someone and Should Be Rewritten

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The world’s most renowned sensitivity expert states that everything ever written is offensive to someone.

On the heels of books from Dr. Seuss to James Bond novels being purged of any offensive content and being rewritten, the world’s most renowned sensitivity expert says that everything ever written should be purged and rewritten.

Offensive Jack & Jill
Offensive: Jack & Jill. Image by Dorothy M. Wheeler, Public Domain.

Doctor Ibeeze Fuller-Crappe, head of the Fumbeldunckt Center for Anti-Artificial Illiteracy, states that even the smallest piece of literature in the modern culture is objectionable to someone.

He stated, “‘Jack and Jill went up the hill’ seems hateful to hill-challenged people and those who are pail-less. The Christian Bible should be rewritten, as it offends Roman Soldiers, Philistines, persons named Judas, snakes and the section of the world’s population that are Pontius.”

He continued, “Paradise Lost is offensive to souls who live in hell… Uncle Tom’s Cabin is objectionable to slave owners… Forbes Magazine seems outrageous to people who are broke. Shakespeare puts off people who are allergic to olde English, and Mother Goose offends other maternal fowl.”

Doctor Fuller-Crappe stated that the only material he has found that is not offensive are scripts for the 1950’s TV series “The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet.” He further stated that the Humor Times magazine is repulsive to people who have no sense of humor and politicians everywhere. (Ed. note: for that, we are truly sorry.)

SNN Words to Live By

“You want some, come get some.” — John Cena, pro wrestler.

“Hit, Git and Split.” — Young Jessie, Hit, Git and Split, 1955 song.

“The bigger they are, the harder the fall on your head.” — Jack Kemp, NFL quarterback.

Ted Holland