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Trump Addresses Public on New Indictment

Trump responds to the new indictment handed down by Special Prosecutor Jack Smith against him.

Ex-president Donald J. Trump spoke to the press from his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Florida today, in response to the new indictment handed down by Special Prosecutor Jack Smith against him.

Trump new indictment
AI image by Hillel Steinberg, flickr.com. CC BY-ND 2.0

A grand jury cited the ex-president on various conspiracy charges, as efforts to overturn the will of the people and to retain power, despite losing the 2020 presidential election.

Smith said that Trump made repeated false assertions that there had been “determinative electoral fraud” in the course of the election and that Trump had “conspired to defraud the US”; had “conspired to disrupt an official proceeding”; and that he “had conspired against people’s rights.”

Trump spokespersons maintain that the ex-president did not knowingly conspire, but had, rather, obtained “poor legal advice.”

“I don’t know nothin’,” said Trump today. “I ain’t never knowed nothin’. I ain’t a politician, I’m a hotelier; I’m a game show host.”

The imminent trial will be held in the courtroom of Judge Tanya S. Chutkin, a native Jamaican serving as a US District judge in D.C.

“She should recuse herself,” bellowed Trump from the east portico of his Mar-a-Lago monstrosity in Florida. “Because she’s a negro, and you know I won’t get a fair deal from an Obama Appointee.” (Barack Obama appointed Chutkin in 2014; she passed the Senate by a 95-0 vote).

The indictment cited a half dozen “unnamed co-conspirators,” prompting court observers to speculate that these were witnesses who had cooperated with the Smith investigation. Pundits conjectured that five of the six were attorneys. “They all rolled over and ratted me out,” hissed Trump into the microphone at his address. “They’re all big rats. Small wonder I never pay my legal bills.”

Some speculation circulated as to the identity of the co-conspirators. Co-conspirator No. 1 is, from the description given in the indictment, Rudy Giuliani: “…burned out attorney constantly in his cups…” while co-conspirator No. 2 is ostensibly John Eastman: “…this dude is batshit crazy…”

The identity of the remaining four unnamed co-conspirators is less certain, but many believe that the “My Pillow Guy” is among them. On a sadder note, co-conspirator No. 5 is reputed to be the late actor and comedian Pee Wee Herman, who passed away earlier this week. Trump had previously claimed that it was Herman (real name Paul Reubens) who was “in deep doo-doo” in regard to the E. Jean Carroll sexual assault case.

Trump’s legal problems seem to be proliferating. In March, he is scheduled to begin trial on the notorious hush money case in New York, in which the ex-president allegedly paid adult film actress Stormy Daniels $130,000 to keep secret an affair with the president.

In Florida, in May, begins Trump’s trial regarding the alleged mishandling of federal documents at Mar-a-Lago. Indictment for interfering in the presidential election in Georgia is imminent in Atlanta, but no indictments have yet been issued. At present, Trump has been indicted on some 74 felonies. Still, his popularity reigns suprme. Trump sought to turn that acclaim to his own advantage.

Said Trump from Palm Beach: “We need money, people. For our legal expenses to combat these trumped-up witch hunts. “I’ve paid over $40 million in legal bills in the last quarter, not only for myself, but those who’ve been caught up in this fiasco. But I’ve come forward, I’m paying the bills. I’m very rich, you know.” Reporters noted that the money has come from a variety of PACs, mostly originating in small-dollar donations from persons living on Social Security and meager pensions. “Well, of course I’m not going to use my money,” declared Trump. “Because, I’m smart!”

Suddenly, a rumble of voices began arising from the crowd. “Listen,” whispered Trump theatrically, cupping his ear with his palm. “Do you hear that?” He grinned. “They’re saying: ‘Hang Jack Smith! Hang Jack Smith!’ Jack Smith,” concluded the ex-president, “puts the ‘dick’ in indictment.”

Bill Tope