[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Addresses Race Issue at Rally

Trump addressed the race issue at a campaign stop recently, saying he “feels the pain” of those it makes uncomfortable.

At a campaign rally sponsored by the American Caucasian Coalition in Knoxville, former President Donald J. Trump addressed the race issue, saying he “feels the pain” of Tennessee residents who are uncomfortable with what Trump called the recent “infestation” of the metropolitan area by persons who identify as “colored or beaner,” as well as “chinks and other ethnic mutts.” Knoxville is, acknowledged Trump proudly, the “whitest city,” in the United States, with a Caucasian component of more than 90%.

Trump addresses race issue
Trump addresses “the race issue.” Photo: Liam Enea, CC BY-SA 2.0.

“Darkies have their proper place in our culture,” said Trump smugly, and on the screen behind the rostrum flashed a photo of a Hispanic Miss Universe, whom Trump quipped would be better called “Miss Housekeeper.” Laughter rang across the Knoxville Civic Auditorium and Coliseum.

“Why can’t people come from nice countries?” lamented Trump. “You know, places like Switzerland and Denmark and Norway.” He reiterated his promise to put pressure on Denmark to transfer ownership of Greenland to the United States. “Imagine the coastline real estate opportunities there,” said Trump with glassy eyes. Saying he would finance the purchase with funds earmarked for Ukraine, he advised that with the sale, he would rechristen Greenland as “Trumpland.” More cheers.

“When I’m reelected, I’m going to correct a lot of wrongs,” boasted Trump, pounding the rostrum with an orange fist. “The Central Park Five will finally be brought to justice — Trump justice!” The sold-out auditorium roared with approbation. “Hillary Clinton will go to prison, James Comey will be making license plates at Riker’s Island, and the Biden crime family will be put in a home for the criminally insane.”

“The Nigerians,” Trump went on. “Remember the Nigerians? They got here and now they’ll never go back to their huts. Immigrants for the most part,” said Trump thoughtfully, “are animals; they’re sub-human and they’re swarming, like rats off a sinking ship, and coming over in caravans with AIDS and the Kung Flu.” He paused for a breath. “They’re rapists, they’re thieves. they’re dirty!”

“They even infest our institutions,” cried Trump, showing on the screen the four original members of the “Squad,” a group of House members elected in 2018 and with whom Trump has been at odds, politically, for years. The crowd booed. “AOC, Pressley, Omar and Tlaib — how do you even say that name?” he asked rhetorically, scrunching up his face into an orange fist. “They’re traitors and they should go back to the shit hole countries they come from. [Fact check: Three members of the Squad are American born.] And they let Mexican judges, totally prejudiced, unqualified Trump-haters, preside over cases in the United States.” Hisses from the crowd.

When a heckler shouted out for Trump’s reaction to the recent incident in St. Louis in which 5 Black men were allegedly shot, execution-style, by two White policemen. Trump decided to answer the question and said that “The police were outnumbered and the nigras had weapons (St. Louis police recovered two pencils, a manual can opener and a roll of cherry Life Savers from the bodies of the deceased).

“Them can openers is sharp,” warned Trump, and he said that the police gave warnings to the men. “It was just 29 warning shots to the back of the head. They were selling loose cigarettes too,” he reminded the crowd. “There were,” he said, “very good people on both sides.” Again, the crowd cheered, and a chant arose from among the 2,500 attendees: “Jews will not replace us. Jews will not replace us. Jews…”

“That’s right, that’s right,” crooned Trump in a syrupy voice. “I love you too.”

Bill Tope
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