[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

ICE Raids Humor Times Offices Over July 4 Weekend

ICE raids of the Humor Times surprised the hard-working staff, toiling hard over the holiday weekend to deliver for the people.

Acting on an anonymous tip, ICE raids were conducted on this California publication over the July 4 holiday weekend.

ICE raids Humor Times
ICE raids: preparing to storm the Humor Times offices. Photo: U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Public Domain.

Agents of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) conducted a surprise holiday raid of the Humor Times, a political humor magazine in Sacramento, CA. Taken into custody, said an ICE spokesman, were editor and publisher James Israel and two “blatantly anti-American writers,” Marilyn Sands and Bill Tope.

The raid was part of ICE’s comprehensive new program to take citizenship away from those “who don’t deserve it.” To the point, the three were selected because of “a history of prevarication, lying and blatant fibbing” about the president and the Trump Administration.

Sands was not actually taken into custody at the Humor Times offices, but was apprehended in an alley back of the building, where she was engaged in a lively game of craps with other “traitors, hangers on and Democrats,” according to Edward Bland, special deputy to Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem.

DHS Secretary Noem was not present at the much publicized raid, although other celebrities were. Border Czar Tom Homan assumed nominal leadership of the operation, threatening “shock and awe,” telling reporters that California Governor Gavin Newsom, a long-time critic, would be “arrested on sight,” and reminding those present that when ICE flexes it muscles, “people die.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA) was present as a special House envoy for President Trump. Greene remarked that she was mindful of “renegade Jewish space lasers” that “can come out of nowhere and get ya!” When Humor Times editor and publisher James Israel was placed in manacles, Greene approached Israel and sneered, “Holocaust my ass!”

As she was fitted with several pairs of metal handcuffs, veteran writer Marilyn Sands, a former Rockette and, according to Homan, a “woman with the blackest character,” kicked Homan in the shins. But, rather than responding aggressively, the Border Czar and self-styled sadist smiled and murmured that he “liked it rough.”

And upon being arrested, writer Bill Tope, a relative newcomer to Humor Times, promised to turn state’s evidence and “cooperate in any way I can.” Tope’s offer was taken at face value at first, until it was remembered that he wrote the article in which The Dear Leader was pilloried for addressing Congress clad in a wiener costume.

ICE agents toiled for more than an hour, ferrying story boards, cels, computers and printed copies of the magazine from the publishing offices. Asked by reporters where all this evidence would be taken, Homan replied that it would be held under the “tightest scrutiny” and that it would end up in a bathroom at Mar-a-Lago, next to a golden bidet. That way, said Homan, the president could review the evidence at his leisure.

Citing the volume of ne’er-do-wells that ICE had yet to process that day, the internees were denied legal representation and immediately dispatched to “Alligator Alcatraz,” the new detention facility located in the Florida Everglades. Questioned as to the ultimate destination of the prisoners, Tom Homan shrugged indifferently and said gruffly, “Don’t care, apart from prisoner Sands,” whom he said he was “taking under his wing.”

Bill Tope
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