Trump and Putin Discuss Dismantling of Ukraine

Trump and Putin attempted to settle their differences by means familiar in the home lives of many Americans.

Accompanied by a 48-member contingent of Russia’s National Guard, the Rosgvardia, Russian President Vladimir Putin met with U.S. President Donald Trump on Friday at Pizza King in Anchorage, Alaska in Alaska to discuss the systematic dismemberment of Ukraine.

Engaging in what U.S. Secretary of State “Little” Marco Rubio called “old-school” diplomacy, Trump and Putin attempted to settle matters via the classic board game Risk.

Putin began the negotiations by offering the American president the Asian territories of Irkutsk and Kamchatka for Greenland and Quebec, but Trump protested that so far Russia had not invaded either North American territory, rendering the offer invalid.

Putin assured Trump that invasion was “just a matter of time” and that if he agreed to the deal now, Putin would throw in the Philippines, a nation whose absence from the Risk board prompted Trump’s rejection of the offer.

Negotiations ceased at that point for a meal of pizza and Trump Vodka.

When the bargaining resumed, Putin made a surprise announcement, offering to transfer hegemony of the Congo, East Africa, Egypt (excluding the Suez Canal), Madagascar, North Africa, and South Africa from Russia to the United States.

Trump declined the offer outright, saying he wouldn’t “dirty my hands with shit-hole territories,” but conveyed an offer from former Department of Governmental Efficiency maven Elon Musk to purchase South Africa for $100 billion. Putin said he would consider the offer.

Trump complained that Putin had gone out of turn by snapping up parts of Ukraine as long ago as 2014. Putin replied with a smirk that Trump “can Crimea river.”

Against Putin’s protests that Ukraine’s dismemberment had not yet been settled, Trump departed early, saying he had to return to New York for a game of Monopoly in order to “settle Letitia James’s hash” and to negotiate the building of a new Trump Tower in Manhattan.

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.