By Ed McManis
No need to be left out of all the action. Now you, too, can be on the Epstein List!
You’ve followed the news from FOX to 1440, heard the accusations, the denials from the White House, tracked it on Facebook, Tic Toc, MySpace. The gossip is ubiquitous, the truth opaque. “Who’s on the Epstein list?”
No need to wonder or be left out of all the action. Now you, too, can be on the Epstein List! That’s right. For only $99.95, Fast Eddie Publications can get you on the list. Top, middle, bottom, last? In the margin, we’ll find the right spot for you.
For an extra $59.95 we can place you right next to your favorite friend, politician, pedophile, CEO, or religious leader. (Include your middle name for an extra fin; a sawbuck lets you include your confirmation name.)
Conservative, liberal, left, right, it doesn’t matter. Straight, gay, bi, tri, LGBTQ or EIEIO—we’ve got your spot waiting just for you. And if you purchase our Gold Package, we’ll emboss your name in 6-carat gild. You’ll have your pick of fonts, Calibri, Cavolini, Arial Hebrew, or Guilty-as-shit, Gill Sans.
If you upgrade to our Platinum Package, we’ll include a 2×3 glossy pic of you, casual, or in full White-Man-Overbite-Two-Fist-Pumping-Disco-Dance-Mode. Or, if you pic the Uber-Platinum Package, we’ll generate an AI pic with dance & party partners of your choice.
From an AI-doctored young Christie Brinkley to Martha Stewart to… Snoop Dogg. (No judgement here.) We can also cut pounds from your visage, add hair, and fix those inherited crooked English teeth. (Extra fees for consorting with models under 18, even if AI generated. Federal taxes and laws may apply.)
Satisfaction guaranteed, as witnessed by these former clients: “I typically don’t like to be on lists, and I did not have sexual relations with any intern who put this list together.” B.C. “Yeah, I had a mansion and a pipe and women in funny costumes and creeps galore, but my parties were second rate compared to these island shindigs.” H.H.
“I was just there to keep the others from temptation. I didn’t know they were hookers and such. I have sinned, look at these crocodile tears.” J.S. “Well, I’ve been trying to get on the list, and if you re-elect me again, I promise I won’t have another stroke and maybe someone will blow me.” M.Mc. “I am the list. It’s the best list. I know lists better than anyone.” DJT.
And, we’re an equal opportunity service as confirmed by Brian Griffin. “There were some sweet bitches on the list, high class poodles, feisty schnauzers. Woof!” B.G.
Time is limited. The list is currently being…rewritten. (If there even is a list.) And while this list is being…curated, here at Fast Eddie’s we have another super offer. For a limited time we’re running an End-of-Summer Sizzle Sale! For only 119.95, you can get on other famous and exciting lists!
Love history? We can get you on a list of beloved Confederate Civil War Heroes. Law your thing? There’s a spot for you on the list of Nazis at the Nuremberg Trials. If you’re a Bonnie Blue fan, we can get you on the list of her next 1500 lovers in 24 hours romp. (Participants must provide their own protection.)
Finally, we have lists for the little Buckaroos, too. Kids, empty out those piggy banks and fruit jars. For only 29.95, we’ll get you off Santa’s naughty list and on the new Christo-Fascist list complete with autographs of MGT and Stephen Miller in matching bikinis.
Volunteers, who are also on the list, are ready to take your calls now. First 500 callers will get a free tutorial on how to pronounce Ghislaine!
Ed McManis has had humor pieces published in Wry Times, Little Old Lady & Westword.
- Show No Toes (SNOT) Law: One-Year Anniversary - August 11, 2025
- You Too Can Be on the Epstein List! - August 11, 2025
- I Was There When JFK Appeared on ‘The Lead with Jake Tapper’ - July 6, 2025
