Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/11/25 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Tour de France 2025, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tour de France 2025 final standings: Tadej Pogacar claims 4th Tour title

As always, while watching the Tour De France, I found it hard to discern which cyclists rode on performance enhancing drugs and which ones rode in the control group.

Former TV Superman Dean Cain joins ICE

Well, at least, he won’t need to wear a mask because nobody recognizes him anymore anyway.

Jessa Duggar pregnant with baby # 6

Clearly, the Duggar women don’t have uteruses, they have Gymborees.

‘Cheap and tacky’: Design expert trashes Trump’s gold-soaked Oval Office makeover

Let’s face it, the Oval Office looks like Liberace threw up all over the place.

Are Buffett and Berkshire about to bail on Kraft Heinz Stock?

It seems one of the rare times Buffett’s playing ketchup.

Mario Lopez ‘completely lost it’ at cheerleader suing him during explosive court appearance

Well she did lead the jury in a cheer, ‘Give me an f, give me a u …’

Police say man arrested for drunk driving blamed turtle, cat, and squirrel in wreck

One question: how badly did he wreck his ark?

Las Vegas is down on its luck as tourism drops: Why it’s kind of California’s fault

Well, according to Piers Morgan, Meghan Markle does live in California.

Stealth bomber crashes into California desert

… Or did it?

Meth lab discovered at airport

It was known as the Frequent Fryers Club.

Historic Russia earthquake joins top 6 strongest ever recorded

Yeah, but the reading comes from a Russian seismologist who doubles as a gymnastics’ judge. So, who knows.

Texas Aquarium defends octopus after it left 6-year-old boy covered in bruises— and claims mom ‘leaned’ him over barrier

The kid said, ‘Yeah, but you should see the octopus.‘

Sears will soon be down to one California store

… Or, as it’s also known Sears Nobucks.

The federal government is paying more than 154,000 people not to work

That’s 154,001, if you count JD Vance …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)