Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Exclusive: Texas governor Greg Abbott threatened war with Illinois to force them to return Democratic lawmakers.
It has been revealed that Texas governor Greg Abbott gave the State of Illinois a deadline: Return the renegade Democratic lawmakers seeking asylum there in 7 days or Texas would issue a Declaration of War against Illinois.
Illinois and the Texas Democrats relented, and have since returned to Texas.
“Texas does have a larger National Guard than Illinois, and knowing Republicans, other states would have deployed their Guards as well,” said Texas Representative Jasmine Crockett. “We couldn’t in good conscience lay that on Illinois, especially since bleach blond, bad-built butch body bimbo Marjorie Taylor Greene would probably have shown up with her assault rifle collection and some Jewish space lasers.”
Breaking Weather News
SNN Meteorologist Says Era of Four Seasons is Over
Meteorologist Sonny Cyclone of SNN Scare the Schitte Outcha Weather says that the era of the four seasons is over. The will be no more winter, spring or fall… only summer. Summer the whole year long. He states that by the year 2035 the worldwide median temperature in December will be 96 degrees Fahrenheit and by July, the world temperature average will soar to 125 degrees.
Breaking Science News
320 Million Year Old Dinosaur Egg Found, Scientist Will Attempt to Hatch It.
Dr. Froederick Flynstone Diggittuppe, head of the Paleontology Department at The University of VoopeeFuche, says that on a recent dig in the Goobah Goobah Desert, a 320 Million year old dinosaur egg was unearthed.
The egg appears to belong to a Oookeyookasaurus, the world’s only dancing dinosaur. The scientific team investigating and studying the egg says that it appears to be alive and glows and moves when exposed to 1950’s Rhythm and Blues music.
Scientists say that the plan is to attempt to hatch the egg by exposing it to heat and a constant barrage of funky fifties music. Songs like “Ooh Poo Pah Doo” by Jesse Hill, “Jim Dandy” by Laverne Baker and “The Ookey Ook” by The Penguins will be played over loudspeakers for a solid 9000 hours.
SNN Words to Live By
“Great minds roll in the same gutter.” — Sgt. Monk Walker (Dick Wesson), The Man Behind the Gun, 1950’s film.
“Get some sleep and dream of Rock’n’Roll.” — Sammy Johns, Chevy Van, 1970’s song.
“Glamour is forever.” — Pro Wrestler Blake Monroe.
“Gen-Xers are all screwed.” — The Five, Fox News.
The Question
True or False? (Leave your answer in the comments below!)
Authors pick: False. False is fun. True will kill you.
- Under Threat of War, Illinois Returns Renegade Democratic Lawmakers - August 19, 2025
- Sports Gossip Radio Host: Epstein Introduced Donald to Melania - August 12, 2025
- Epstein Files: Spy Reveals Names of Famous People - August 5, 2025
