Cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame, says the White House in its critique of architecture.
President Donald J. Trump signed an executive order last week stipulating that all future federal buildings be built to reflect “classical and traditional architecture.”
Since his first administration, the president has reviled modernist design as being “woke” and as leading to “unfortunate ideas” like women’s rights, BLM, and anti-Semitism.
The order, named “Making Federal Architecture Beautiful Again,” directs that all future buildings eschew modernism and reflect the “Trumpier things in life.” Trump said he wants to imbue federal buildings with “a lotta’ gold and a lotta’ escalators and pictures of me.”
Trump’s Palm Beach estate, Mar-a-Lago, is Spanish Revival architecture, which Trump says he disdains. “It was constructed a hundred years ago by a caravan of Hispanic vermin! Classical architecture is much better.”
Classical architecture is that which stems from the principles of Greek and Roman architecture of classical antiquity. Trump said he wants to return to the “basics” of classical architecture, citing the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris.
The cathedral, an example of Gothic architecture, is characterized by its towering spires, intricate façades, and luminous interiors. Trump said he wants to replace the National Cathedral with a replica of Notre Dame. He is even considering hiring a hunchback to work in the bell tower. A moat, he said, is not out of the question.
Trump also said he would permit construction of gargoyles, another Gothic adornment, on most government buildings. Gargoyles are actually stylized waterspouts, designed to channel rainwater away from buildings, preventing water damage.
They are frequently depicted as grotesque figures, symbolizing the repulsion of evil and the protection of the faithful. According to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, Trump is accepting designs by sculptors for construction of gargoyles. Suggested facsimiles include Chuck Schumer, Hillary Clinton, and Taylor Swift.
Trump said that his team is presently reviewing and auditioning architects for new projects. He dismissed Allison Grace Williams, Curtis Moody, and Peter Cook out-of-hand. All three eminent architects are African-American and Williams is female.
“A double threat,” Trump said of Williams, grinding his teeth. “American architecture,” he declared, “will not be a DEI experiment. We’ll get competent white males to design the buildings.” Of 113,000 licensed architects, just 2 percent are Black and an ever-increasing 27 percent are women, the latter figure representing a trend which the 47th president finds “troubling.”
Interestingly, foundational American edifices constructed during the nation’s infancy, like the White House and the Capitol Building, were built by Black laborers.
Trump said he is amenable to honoring this tradition as well, and has proposed conscripting Black prisoners from D.C. jails to work on new buildings. “We’ll pay ’em, though,” he said. “Three squares a day, and that’s a lot of double cheeseburgers.”
The executive order also requires that Trump be notified when a building design deviates from the preferred style. Penalties for violating this order are said to involve Seal Team 6 and Alligator Alcatraz.
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