[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Comedian Bill Burr Determines it’s Safer to be a Sniper

“Snipers can defend themselves. They have AK-47’s.” – Bill Burr

Bill Burr announced today he intends to become a sniper in the U.S. Marines.

Bill Burr sniper“It’s way safer than being a comedian,” he said. “Telling jokes has just become far too dangerous.”

The news comes after a tumultuous year for standup comedians: Robin Williams committed suicide, Bill Cosby has been accused of raping more than twenty women, and Joan Rivers passed away. As if all this wasn’t enough, a Seattle open mic-er, who was banned from performing, beat the host severely with a baseball bat.

“I was getting a bit antsy every time I stepped on stage,” Burr said. “Just feeling intense nausea when I did my bit about hitting women. Then I heard about the Charlie Hebdo massacre and it just pushed me over the edge.”

Burr wondered if cartoonists are being gunned down, then how safe can it be for a guy like him who rants and raves to often inebriated, hostile crowds? “I’d look up at the mezzanine level and get a sense that there was a sniper there waiting to take me out. Usually it was just a grandma eating oatmeal cookies. But I didn’t care. I felt like pissing my pants.”

Burr started having bad dreams. He imagined himself in a top hat, like Abe Lincoln, getting taken out by John Wilkes Booth. He would only perform with a rabbit’s foot in his pocket — and even then he’d vomit after every show to the point where his bulimic assistant was like “you need help.”

Then he started censoring his act, doing sixty minutes on Care Bears and Hello Kitty. Finally, after a show where he began weeping “no, don’t shoot,” while punching himself in the nuts, he threw in the towel.

To prove he was still a man, Burr promptly enlisted in the Marines. With any luck he hopes to become a sniper, a job he feels is much more secure than being a comedian.

“Snipers can defend themselves. They have M-24’s. A comedian is a sitting duck. I play to rooms filled with 10,000 audience members, at least half of which are mentally-disturbed. Clearly, it’s safer to be in a war zone.”

Chris Rock and Gallagher were inspired by Burr’s decision, although neither are considering enlisting or becoming snipers.

“Hell no, I won’t go,” Rock said. “No one’s shooting my black ass. A, I’m too skinny. B, I move around too much mothafuckah.”

Gallagher added, “Some of us actually have something to say! Hello? I’m a highly intelligent comedian, okay, not just a guy who smashes watermelons.”

Matt Nagin
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