[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Post Election Stress Disorder: It’s a Real Thing

A new disorder, “Post Election Stress,” is sweeping the nation and has Americans flocking to therapists.

A new form of stress is sweeping the nation and it has Americans flocking to their therapists in droves. Post Election Stress Disorder (PESD), also known a Political Pee Pants Syndrome, is a real condition in which an individual struggles with the normalcy of their daily routine and environment due to an overwhelming fear of the country’s current democratic status.

Election Stress, cat
Mittens: not Syrian. Photo by Beatriz Jiménez, flickr.com.

Social media outlets such as Facebook and Instagram are among the leading causes to the widespread hysteria that seems to be conquering the nation one soft mind at a time.

“I posted a picture of my Siamese cat, Mittens, last week on Facebook and was immediately accused of harboring a refugee,” said Mary Clark-Dunlap, a housewife from Bismarck, North Dakota. “She’s not even Syrian.”

“The civil unrest stems largely from a drastic inadequacy to cope with reality,” says Dr. Anthony Fernicola, a professor of Psychology at Columbia University, who credits this knee-jerk reaction with providing an entire generation of children with trophies for the sake of participation.

“I have seen a shockingly large number of patients recently demand a lollipop after the completion of a therapy session. One even threatened to Yelp my practice.”

Dr. Fernicola then went on to say, “I’ve had to start placing gold stars on prescriptions and billing invoices just so they (patients) feel they have had a satisfactory session.”

PESDPost Election Stress Disorder has even begun to spread to the community of activists and political protestors causing fear and anxiety in certain circles.

Nancy McFadden, a political protestor and activist from Rhode Island, can no longer bring herself to look at her old Sharpie magic marker that she would use to make her protest signs.

“I used the word ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’ on a sign last October at an anti Trump rally and later saw my picture all over social media.”

The caption to that post read, “***You’re and idiot, but thanks for ***Your input.” Nancy cried herself to sleep that night and for many weeks after.

“Nobody should have to endure that type of humiliation,” according to Nancy.

Victims of Post Election Stress Disorder are not completely hopeless, however, as the medical community has been discovering new forms of treatment on a daily basis.

Doctors have begun to recommend that if something you see offends you or causes the slightest hint of anxiety that the patient should immediately shut their eyes, hold their breath, and stomp their feet until either the emotion passes or consciousness no longer exists.

If this first procedure is unsuccessful then it is strongly suggested that the patient head to the nearest hospital and have himself, or herself neutered.

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Patrick Lawlor

Patrick Lawlor is a writer and comedian from New Jersey. He studied improv and sketch comedy writing at the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York.
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