[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

March 4th Declared National Opposites Day

“National Opposites Day is a day that will live in infamy, and I’m the first president to say that,” said Trump.

In a desperate attempt to move beyond the accusations made by the White House that former President Barack Obama had wiretap surveillance installed at Trump Tower, Donald Trump has retroactively declared March 4th to be National Opposites Day.

The Tweet that started the storm surge of suggested espionage was published at 6:35 A.M. on… you guess it, March the 4th.

opposites day

“It is a day that will live in infamy, and I’m the first president to say that,” claimed Trump. “March 4th will hereby be celebrated as a day to communicate through the inverse meaning of a declared statement with zero direct accountability therein after.”

Scholars of the English language are siting the move as the literary equivalent to the horror movie, The Purge, where Americans have a twenty-four hour window to commit unspeakable acts of violence without the risk of persecution or punishment.

“He’s done more to harm the English language in a few months than George W. did in eight years,” claims Dr. Miriam Fogel, Professor of English Literature at Georgetown University.

“When that man speaks, brain cells everywhere evaporate faster than climate change,” she continued.

Since the tweet’s publication Donald Trump and his staff have been bombarded with requests for proof of the alleged surveillance. White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, feels that Donald Trump’s use of air quote exonerates the specificity of any direct accusation made by the President.

“He used air quotes, for God’s sake. When was the last time you took anyone serious that used air quotes?” questioned Spicer. “It’s not like he’s Dr. Evil asking his henchmen for a bunch of ‘lay-zers’ ya know.”

Spicer then went on to elaborate as to the President’s initial reaction in regards to addressing the media.

“To be honest you should be happy we’re even discussing this,” said Spicer. “The original statement drafted by the President relied heavily on the ‘I’m rubber and you’re glue’ defense.”

Spicer claims that The White House and its staff are working tirelessly and that evidence of the alleged surveillance will soon be produced for congressional evaluation.

“Until then you will all just have to focus on our new health care plan and the miraculous inclusion of the cootie shot.”

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Patrick Lawlor

Patrick Lawlor is a writer and comedian from New Jersey. He studied improv and sketch comedy writing at the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York.
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