[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Macron Offers ‘Vulcan Death Grip’ Seminars for World Leaders

“L’idiot needs to be stirred, not shaken. I will show le monde how to do it.” – Emmanuel Macron

PARIS – Emmanuel Macron, the recently elected president of France, has announced a new international training program called The Seven Effective Hand-Shaking Habits of Highly Successful People Who Must Deal with Trump.

“Trump’s trademark hold-and-tug handshake is his favorite power move,” Macron said. “But like 007’s martini, he must be stirred, not shaken.”

Emmanuel Macron
Emmanuel Macron demonstrates Le Grippe Vulcane du Mort, or ‘Spock.’

Already 15 presidents and premiers have signed up, including Montenegro’s President Filip Vujanovic, embarrassingly shoved aside by the Ugly American at the recent Nato summit. Even the Pope, whose reluctance to touch Trump’s hand was apparent when they met, has enrolled.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Melania Trump will conduct a free “hand swatting” module for the women, including moves on how to avoid being pussy-grabbed.

“The seminar’s first segment will be called L’Approche, (The Approach),” said Macron, who initially humiliated the U.S. president by appearing to greet him with his hand extended but then suddenly swerved to hug Germany’s Angela Merkel and other Nato participants. For several minutes he turned his back on Trump, leaving the Orange Idiot looking stunned and stupid.

Finally Macron acknowledged him, countering Trump’s trademark yank with his own karate-based upper-arm slap followed by a vice-like grip apparently so tight the American gulped and paled.

“I teach this manoeuvre in Module Two, Le Grippe Vulcane du Mort,” (The Vulcan Death Grip, or “Spock”) said Macron.

Later at their photo op, analyzed in Module Three, Macron took advantage of Trump’s notoriously tiny hand by enveloping it in his own larger fingers and repeating Le Spock with a smoothly executed counter-tug that left Trump visibly embarrassed.

Macron continued: “All these moves can by easily mastered.” He made special mention of the “pioneering” strategies of Hillary Clinton, who during the presidential debates successfully avoided Trump’s handshake.

“However this option isn’t always realistic on the world stage,” M. Macron noted, adding that his seminar will be conducted once a month at the Elysee Palace.

“My handshake with him, it was not innocent,” the French president said in another statement also widely reported in the non-fake news press.

“It’s not the alpha and the omega of politics, but a moment of truth. One must show that we won’t make little concessions, even symbolic ones.”

Michael Egan