In an under-reported story Trump berated as ‘fake news,’ astonished onlookers witnessed the first-ever turkey pardoning of a president.
According to witnesses, in an unusual turnaround at the annual Turkey Pardoning festivity at the White House Tuesday, the turkey itself made a speech. Here, we present an exclusive transcript of what some are now calling the “Turkeysburg Address.”
The 48-pound white turkey, named “Drumstick,” unexpectedly hopped up to the mic, cleared his throat and began to speak.
“Thank you, Mr. President for changing my verdict from assassination to a merciful life behind chicken wire fence for the rest of my life — a fate very similar to those shared by death row inmates who have actually committed a crime. I am glad you saw fit to issue this pardon, which was unexpected, in lieu of your former judgments in other circumstances where you suggested the death penalty for Army Sergeant Bergdahl, for instance.
“I am glad that you were able to see the ritualized beheading of a bird that was once considered for being the symbol of our nation by Benjamin Franklin to be equally barbaric an act as ISIS commits on its hostages. Perhaps that infamous Photoshop of Kathy Griffin holding your fake severed head rearranged your thinking patterns a bit. Perhaps. Or maybe it was those thousands of PETA demonstrators who sent hypocritically anonymous blood thirsty threats to your office. Who knows? At any rate, I am thankful for your compassion. Or should I say ‘your conformity.’
“At this time, President Select Trump, I would like to pardon you as well for being a turkey yourself, in another sense of the word, that is. As I said already, Benji Franklin wanted us to be the symbol of the United States as he felt that the eagle ‘is a rank coward: The little King Bird, not bigger than a Sparrow, attacks him boldly and drives him out of the District.’ Of we proud turkeys, he said ‘He is, though a little vain and silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on.'”
Historians in the crowd were seen nodding their heads at hearing this accurate quote.
“Yes, indeed,” continued the Drumstick puffing out his ample chest, “I do recognize myself and my fellow Meleagris gallopavos in that statement!”
“Indeed, you are in good company, Mr. Trump. We are a proud bird. Of course, we would be embarrassed to be seen in public with you, but nothing is perfect, is it? A bird, especially a turkey, is not a bad thing to be, except, of course, on Thanksgiving.
“So, in parting in a way much nicer than the one originally intended for me, I would like to say, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and to remember on Christmas to eat tofu! Thank you for your attendance and for your abstinence! Adieu!”
Drumstick then jumped to the ground and strutted off to the numerous camera clicks, not noticing that a very livid Donald Trump was in back whispering something in the ear of one of his many Secret Service agents. A few moments after the reporters had left, a couple sun-glassed and wired-up agents snuck in the back door to the turkey pen, and then a muffled ‘Thump!’ and a surprised, choked-off “Squack!” was heard, then all was silent. The Secret Service agents left as silently as they had come in.
[Quotes courtesy of Wikileaks — subject input ‘turkeys.’]