[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

GOP Celebrates Being Able to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Kids They Are Uninsuring

“It makes me feel so Christian,” says lawmaker whose family still gets the best health insurance.

“Donald Trump is like a merciful King, allowing us to say ‘Merry Christmas’ again,” said Paul Ryan, Republican Speaker of the House. “He’s just so magnanimous. I hope he’ll soon make it okay again to say, ‘God bless us, every one,’ too!”

Merry Christmas, health care
Photo by Alex Proimos, flickr.com.

Republicans are ecstatic about a lot of things right now, like the tax cut and the new King-like status of the presidency, which will allow Trump to fire Special Counsel Robert Mueller without consequence.

“With the tax cut, it’s now okay to be rich again — we’ll no longer be vilified simply for hoarding all the wealth,” said Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader. “And with His Highness gaining new powers, we can free our country from the long scourge of separation of powers, and a law enforcement agency that dares to say the President must abide by the same laws that the unwashed masses do. Happy days are here again in 2018!”

Although Robert Mueller was appointed previously as FBI Director by a Republican president, George W Bush, and is a Republican himself, he is being vilified by right-wing media and Trump administration members as a out-of-control pariah, intent on orchestrating a coup against president Trump.

“It’s obvious he is hiding behind the law, trying to use it to do the evil bidding of the minority Democrats,” said McConnell. “Why else would he be trying to hold the president to some arbitrary level of accountability? The American people decided to elect him, knowing he was a Putin-loving, pussy-grabbing, contractor-cheating, fake-university-founding, tax-cheating, dictator wannabee. So, America deserves him.”

Millions of non-millionaires will lose their health coverage with the new tax bill coming into effect, but that’s just the cost of freedom, say supporters. If the poor and middle class would just work harder and get luckier in the stock market, they say, then they too could enjoy the great promise of freedom to say “Merry Christmas” to those who are struggling, helping to ease their pain, as Jesus intended.

“If they really wanted health care for their families, they should’ve thought of that before, and gotten rich, like those of us in God’s favor,” said Ryan. “And let’s be honest, they should have prayed harder.”

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