Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/8/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to!

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

It’s 2018 in New Zealand

1953 in Mississippi. And, 637 in parts of Tehran. Happy New Year, y’all.

Smoke spotted at Hillary Clinton’s home in Chappaqua

See what happens when you leave Bill home alone to smoke but not inhale, just exhale…

Thousands of AT&T employees laid off

More insulting, the firing calls came from India. So, not only were they fired, they were put on hold 45 minutes waiting to find out.

FBI’s Russian investigation happened because an American tried to outdrink an Aussie

Great, if he’d been with an Irishman, he’d also have given over Trump’s tax returns.

2.5 million Yemenis now lack access to clean water, claims the Red Cross

It sounds like Yemen is the Arabic word for Flint.

Why Michael Wolffe’s new book about Trump is called the ‘Fire and the Fury’

I’m guessing because Rex Tillerson has a hold on the title ‘F$%king Moron.’

Federal law clerks demand changes to judiciary’s sexual misconduct policies

First thing, stop allowing creepy old dudes to show up for work wearing a robe…

Former Christian school teacher, 29, arrested days after being caught in bed with teen boy by husband: Cops

In fairness, they were getting to know each other biblically.

Loud orgies of Mexican fish make dolphins go deaf

Damn that loud mariachi music…

Rohrabacher: ‘Jeff Sessions betrays the people who have had faith in him’

Hard to believe, but this sounds even worse in the original Russian.

There’s no such think as a ‘Nuclear button’

But something just tells me, if there was one, America’s nuclear button has ‘Made in China’ written on it.

Crime in New York City plunges to a level not seen since the 1950’s

Who would have thought the most dangerous place in NYC for most of the last 20 years was Matt Lauer’s office?

RIP, Rosie Marie

Nice to know, Buddy and Sally are reunited in that giant writer’s room in the sky.

Apple (sort of) admits they purposely slow down old iPhones

Good, cause I thought Siri was mocking me by talking slower…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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