Things I, Donald Trump, Would Do in Addition to Running Unarmed into a School

In his own imagination: Donald Trump, superhero! Here, the president lists all the things he would do, if needed:

Smash through any locked doors using my shoulders and feet, like they do on NCIS. (I would pull my sleeves up over my hands to break through any windows, if needed.)

Donald Trump, superhero
Donald Trump, superhero, by Robert Sikoryak, in his comic book, “The Unquotable Trump.”

Let any ladies rushing in alongside me go first; it’s polite.

If those ladies are attractive, pinch their butts… but gently, and only if it’s OK with them. (Mostly they say it’s OK.)

Take out any shooters with my fists of steel: despite being quite small, they are registered as lethal weapons and pack an unbelievable punch. (They can be very very gentle, too.)

But first I would try to talk down any active shooters: I am a master at persuasion, and negotiation, and could get everyone out uninjured (except maybe the liberal poli-sci teacher who criticizes Fox News in class and thinks he can do this better. He cannot do this better).

Use my body to shield any students under fire: it’s 6’3”, 239 pounds of finely honed muscle that can stop a bullet at 20 paces. (I have bullet scars from prior rescues, but my lawyers won’t let me show them because several cases are still pending.)

I would even protect black and Hispanic students: they love me, I love them. If there were immigrant children, I would protect them, too, even if it cost me support, because I’m that kind of President. (Actually, nothing I do loses support with my base. I could be the shooter and they’d still love me.)

I would not accept a ticker tape parade or other public displays of appreciation – though they would have drawn bigger crowds than any Super Bowl winner – because I am President and already get plenty of attention. (But I might award myself a Medal of Honor.)

Wait, I was just told I can’t award myself a Medal of Honor. But I can give myself a Presidential Medal of Freedom, which I would absolutely deserve. I also expect Congress to give me a Congressional Gold Medal, unless this happens after the mid-term elections.

Don a red cape and booties, if there were time.

Also back flips. I would definitely do back flips.

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Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.
Howard Zaharoff

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