Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/7/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Netflix, headlines today

Netflix is raising another $1.5 billion in debt

Woooo! Whooooooo! Everybody gets a comedy special!!!

Paul Ryan reinstates House Chaplain after priest decided to fight dismissal

So, in other words, ‘Atlas Blinked.’

On this date in 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France

…quadrupling the size of America’s cholesterol rate.

Roy Moore files suit he was targeted by ‘Political Conspiracy’

…and other mall stores like ‘Forever 21’ and ‘Abercrombie & Fitch.’

WSJ: Cambridge Analytica is shutting down, effective today

…to be replaced by Times Roman as a type font.

Woman found with a loaded handgun hidden inside her vagina at a traffic stop pleads guilty

Or, as it’s also known a Glock blocker.

Pence finds, hires, and loses his National Security Adviser

Nice, play, Mike, when you become president, we won’t notice the difference.

It’s a boy! Prince William and Kate Middleton’s third royal baby is here!

Pushing me one step further from ever reaching the British throne…

Trump lawyer Ty Cobb is leaving

…to be replaced by Shoeless Joe Jackson, no doubt.

Happy 85th Birthday Willie Nelson

A man who defies nature by smoking 81 joints a day… and keeping the weight off.

Michelle Wolf becomes C-SPAN’s most-watched Correspondents’ Dinner entertainer

So, the numbers were bigly.

Giuliani hits TV talk circuit, becomes latest lawyer to make the President’s life a living nightmare

Sounds like Cohen shoulda paid Rudy to shut the f%#k up.

The NRA is setting aside years of documents regarding its ties to a Kremlin-linked banker

So, that ‘R’ in NRA actually stands for Ruskie.

Trump doesn’t think he needs a Communications Director or a Chief of Staff

Damn, the White House is gonna be so empty you’d think it was one of Jared’s real estate properties.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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