[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

President Reveals Trump Tower Project in Tehran

Trump Tower project in Iran on track despite tensions, says press secretary.

During a private luncheon with representatives from the Republican National Committee, President Trump announced that plans for a proposed Trump Tower project in Tehran were moving along despite recent tensions in the region. The project, previously unknown to the luncheon attendees, was greeted with surprise then, after an awkward moment of soul-searching silence, rapturous applause.

Trump Tower projectPresident Trump had stated early in his administration that he would completely divest himself from his business interests. He reiterated that point during the luncheon but added, “Don Junior and Eric have been doing a great, great job. Absolutely fantastic job. They updated me this morning on the project, and I know the Iranians will love the high-class luxury associated with the Trump name. In fact, the Ayatollah himself has said he plans to stay there.”

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has strongly disputed the claim. Sources say he reacted to the news by using a Farsi phrase roughly translated as “He’s building a what? In our backyard! That son-of-a…”

The news has shocked Washington, with Senator Minority Leader Chuck Schumer saying that the news “may be the most backward conflict of interest I’ve ever heard.” Another lawmaker, speaking on the condition of anonymity, held a different view: “I look forward to visiting Trump Tower Tehran once it’s completed. Anti-American actions, rhetoric, policy and history aside, Iran is absolutely gorgeous in April.”

Reporters from various outlets have pounced on the news, with some asking, “Did I hear that right?” and others saying, “This has to be a dream. Someone pinch me.”

Trump has hit back at criticism, citing the economic benefits: “We’re talking about jobs here. If you hate jobs, then you hate America.”

According to an anonymous White House source, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo later explained to the president that American citizens would not be the ones employed at the site. To this, Trump remarked, “Well, of course. Citizens have never been employed at Trump properties. How am I—I mean Don Junior and Eric—supposed to make money if we had to pay real wages?”

The project is slated to open in January of 2025, the last day of Trump’s presidency if he were to win a second term. Trump’s reasoning: “I’m going to need a vacation, and I think the people of Iran would absolutely love to host the greatest United States president in history.”

Evan Helmlinger

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